Grace and peace to you from God our Father and Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy. ~ Philippians 1:2-3
As the leaves on the trees have faded from bright green to shades of amber, red and gold, and more recently begun their decent to rest upon the ground, I find myself once again wondering how in the world another year has flown by. The bustle of the Christmas season is in full swing and I find myself busy scheduling special time with loved ones, decorating, baking, shopping and all of the sundry pre-holiday activities. It is in the midst of the busy holiday season, that I especially cherish the moments of being still. The moments that give me pause to embrace all that God has blessed me with.
It's a cold and cloudy afternoon and I am sitting on the couch in the quiet of my living room, surrounded by nothing more that the illumination of Christmas lights and the sounds of content snores of my dogs nearby. I adore these moments.
I love the holiday season. I love celebrating the birth of Christ and I especially love going to church during the advent season. I love the music and I love that people are so generous this time of year. I treasure that it is a season of gratitude and good will.
While each year has it's moments of sadness and trial, it also finds my cup abundantly overflowing. In the very essence of life, I am rich. Not monetarily, but in the ways that count the most, for the wisdom of the Lord reminds us;
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~ Matthew 6:19-20
My heart is overflowing with love for a husband that has found and shared with me a more intimate relationship with God. A husband who I love more every day and has finally found a career that challenges and fulfills him. A husband who continues to bring a smile to my soul and completes me in ways I could have never imagined.
My heart swells with love and adoration for the children that grace my life. While I have never been called to have children of my own, God has been so very gracious in allowing me to be involved with and share in so many sweet moments with each child in their own unique ways. My life would be so very incomplete without these precious relationships.
My heart dances with joy that my life has been deeply enriched with the companionship of some extraordinary women, each connection endeared to my spirit.
Then, of course there is family. A heart connection that draws deep and wide. A connection that can sometimes present challenges, but none the less, brings to my heart and mind a sense of deep loyalty and a desire to always embrace all that family can give. A love that comes from my very beginnings.
There are so many other ways my heart sings in gratitude and as the season continues so will my mantra of praise for all that makes me wealthy.
May we all remember in this season of celebration that the most joyous of all moments to lament upon is the great gift of life that God himself chose to experience with us here on this earth.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Chapter No One Wants to Finish
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. " - John 14:27
In the ebb and flow of life, the past several years have found me confronting the immeasurable importance of family and the influence that each familial relationship has contributed to my own growth and potential in this world.
Loss has been a preponderant catalyst. In four years, the core of my family, the adults that have been in my life, all of my life, that are responsible for raising me and guiding me are all but gone.
It has made my heart heavy and sad, and yet as my mother taught me from a young age, death and change are an inherent aspect of life. It can make you stronger, wiser and proves the resiliency that God has blessed us with.
My father, while still alive, walked away from our family four years ago and as of today, it has been almost two years since I have seen him face to face. There is still a relationship there, but he remains distant and non committal. While I still love him and have forgiven him, his deceptions have left me in a place where I can no longer trust nor respect him. The feelings of betrayal and pain that accompany that relationship are a always in the back of my mind. The man I thought he was and the man that I have discovered he is are two different people and the grief that accompanies that discovery is much the same as mourning a physical death.
Almost a year later, the Lord called my mother home. To this very moment, I can recall every detail of the night that I got the call from my brother. My already broken heart shattered and yet, I was grateful that she no longer suffered. So much of her life was a struggle and a battle to find peace and at long last she had found it.
The devastation that my grandparents felt, loosing a child was overwhelming and her loss marked the beginning of their own decline. It was in the months following her death that I was to step into the role of caregiver and in many ways, parent as they reverted back to a more simple and dependent frame of existence.
A year and a half after the loss of my mother, my renewed relationship with my uncle came to a sudden halt when he too, went Home to be with our maker.
Now, my grandparents had not only lost their daughter, but their son as well. For a parent to outlive his or her child is unfathomable , to outlive both of them must be unbearable. They were devastated and yet continued on living their life as best they could in the best way that they knew how. Their decline continued and more and more health problems surfaced as well as early stages of dementia in both of them. We had reached a point where they were no longer able to live in their own house safely, so they faced yet another momentous task in leaving the place they knew as home for 47 years and moved into assisted living.
Seven months after moving, my grandfather's health took a turn that he would not recover from. It was a slow and difficult journey as he went from hospital to long term care, finally to home where hospice would help me care for him in his final days. His last several hours were particularly difficult as I helplessly watched the pneumonia take his final breath, but I will forever be grateful that I was able to be by his side in his last moments.
My grandmother's dementia is now nearing the final stages as the years and trials have gotten to be too much for her. I have moved her one final time to a home where she can be cared for by loving people that can manage her needs and keep her comfortable. I visit several times every week and have come to cherish her good days, as the bad days are happening more and more often. Some days I am my mother and other days she sees me as Erin. I've learned to embrace whatever it is she sees because in her mind, it is what is most comforting for her. We talk about boyfriends and trips to the moon as I feed her lunch. She still has moments of fiesty and I love those moments. She was once so sharp and witty and at times, mean, but she loved me and there was nothing she would not do for me. Her mind is all jumbled and her body frail and her time here on this earth limited.
While the journey has not been easy, I am thankful for the opportunities and the blessings that have accompanied me.
My walk with God has become far more intimate and more connected that I could have ever imagined. I have become more in tune with the still small voice that guides me in the day to day challenges of life and He has taught me how to live more in the moment.
My marriage has grown stronger and deeper and I have so much gratitude for a supportive husband who, with all of the hours I spent away from home, still found ways to make me laugh and get me to relax when I had the chance.
My brother and I are as close as we have ever been and our bond only strengthened with the trials we have dealt with together.
I have reconnected with my cousins and developed a close relationship especially with my cousin Liz.
I have had the great honor of being caregiver and comforter to my mother and my grandparents.
I have found comfort and strength in relationships I would have never imagined.
I am still awed and amazed at so many moments of joy that have been mixed in with the moments of sorrow as I continue to reflect and learn from the path my life has taken me on.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Casting Pearls and praying for swine
"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. " Matthew 7:6
A brief understanding of this passage is explained on biblegateway.com as such:
"The famous saying about "pearls before swine" has its origins in this passage; Jesus tells his followers not to waste spiritual resources on people who will never understand or appreciate them."
It's funny sometimes how God chooses to elicit a more "hands on" approach to understanding the words that he shares with us in His great book, and this experience was certainly one of those moments.
For some reason, I never quite understood the context of this verse and while it seems pretty straightforward, I none-the-less have often stumbled over the verse and just kept reading oblivious to the underlying depth.
Pastor Billy was my connection to clarity in a situation that had provoked both my desire to help someone in a desperate situation and my fear of getting into something far greater than I could handle. While I had only met him a few times before, I felt completely comfortable with him as well as his assistant. I am not one for small talk when something is on my heart and I wasted no time in explaining the situation I found myself in and that I needed to discern what it was that God wanted me to do. I also explained the sense of foreboding that my husband felt as the story of the family unfolded and that this very family had been members of his congregation as well. At that point, he asked me if his assistant could join our meeting, as she knows everything about everyone and would be able to give me the history of this family that I knew so little about.
I learned that their problems had a deep and rich history of abuse, greed, debauchery and a myriad of other dysfunctions. I learned that people before me had tried to help and that ultimately the only thing that changed was the people/person who were trying to help them.
Billy was quick to emphasize that I should heed my husbands instincts. Not only was I reminded that my husband is the head of the household, but that God had used him as an avenue to give me pause before I charged forward in my attempts to do what I thought God was calling me to do. That was the moment when I was reminded that yielding to God is is just as important as serving Him. Actually, more important. How can I serve His kingdom best if I am pursuing my own agenda of what I think God wants when He sees the whole picture and KNOWS what He wants.
Billy shared with me many more words of wisdom before we prayed and parted ways, and as I walked out of the church, I felt both sad and relieved at the same time. I wanted to save this woman from the chains that life had wrapped around her, but also had to reconcile with the reality that while her circumstances were dire, her own choices played a large part of where she was in life.
Later that evening, my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about my meeting and what our next move should be. We decided that we would go her house together to collect the money she owed me and leave with her the information she needed should she want to make a change. It allowed us to still help her and yet not enable her.
Roughly six weeks later, I sit here and reflect upon that journey, knowing that most likely nothing in her life has changed. The air conditioner that I bought her was either stolen or sold not even a week after I delivered it. I have fully removed myself from the situation except in prayer. I am never sure what to pray for them, but I ask the holy spirit daily to intercede on my behalf.
Hearts can always be unhardened, miracles can happen and fundamentally prayer is where great seeds can be sown. So, while I have intimately learned that I must not cast pearls before swine, I have also been reminded that the gift of prayer is always mine to give.
A brief understanding of this passage is explained on biblegateway.com as such:
"The famous saying about "pearls before swine" has its origins in this passage; Jesus tells his followers not to waste spiritual resources on people who will never understand or appreciate them."
It's funny sometimes how God chooses to elicit a more "hands on" approach to understanding the words that he shares with us in His great book, and this experience was certainly one of those moments.
For some reason, I never quite understood the context of this verse and while it seems pretty straightforward, I none-the-less have often stumbled over the verse and just kept reading oblivious to the underlying depth.
Pastor Billy was my connection to clarity in a situation that had provoked both my desire to help someone in a desperate situation and my fear of getting into something far greater than I could handle. While I had only met him a few times before, I felt completely comfortable with him as well as his assistant. I am not one for small talk when something is on my heart and I wasted no time in explaining the situation I found myself in and that I needed to discern what it was that God wanted me to do. I also explained the sense of foreboding that my husband felt as the story of the family unfolded and that this very family had been members of his congregation as well. At that point, he asked me if his assistant could join our meeting, as she knows everything about everyone and would be able to give me the history of this family that I knew so little about.
I learned that their problems had a deep and rich history of abuse, greed, debauchery and a myriad of other dysfunctions. I learned that people before me had tried to help and that ultimately the only thing that changed was the people/person who were trying to help them.
Billy was quick to emphasize that I should heed my husbands instincts. Not only was I reminded that my husband is the head of the household, but that God had used him as an avenue to give me pause before I charged forward in my attempts to do what I thought God was calling me to do. That was the moment when I was reminded that yielding to God is is just as important as serving Him. Actually, more important. How can I serve His kingdom best if I am pursuing my own agenda of what I think God wants when He sees the whole picture and KNOWS what He wants.
Billy shared with me many more words of wisdom before we prayed and parted ways, and as I walked out of the church, I felt both sad and relieved at the same time. I wanted to save this woman from the chains that life had wrapped around her, but also had to reconcile with the reality that while her circumstances were dire, her own choices played a large part of where she was in life.
Later that evening, my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about my meeting and what our next move should be. We decided that we would go her house together to collect the money she owed me and leave with her the information she needed should she want to make a change. It allowed us to still help her and yet not enable her.
Roughly six weeks later, I sit here and reflect upon that journey, knowing that most likely nothing in her life has changed. The air conditioner that I bought her was either stolen or sold not even a week after I delivered it. I have fully removed myself from the situation except in prayer. I am never sure what to pray for them, but I ask the holy spirit daily to intercede on my behalf.
Hearts can always be unhardened, miracles can happen and fundamentally prayer is where great seeds can be sown. So, while I have intimately learned that I must not cast pearls before swine, I have also been reminded that the gift of prayer is always mine to give.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Enemy Territory
Proceeding my statement of intent to help, I had learned of terrible things that had gone on there and I again felt my heart breaking. I left with my mind racing, trying to figure out how I could get her out of that situation. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I realized that I was getting in way over my head. I could not understand why none of her six children were not helping her out and I felt driven to do what I could to save her.
My sweet husband has been so supportive of my many passionate endeavors and this situation was no different. When I came home telling of her dire situation, he not only supported me getting her an air conditioner, but suggested getting two. I love the generosity of his heart.
However, as the story of this family member and her surrounding relatives ( of whom I do not know) unfolded, I think I started to become aware of the real danger that accompanied this mission. My husband felt it as well and was overcome with a sense of deep foreboding. That stopped me in my tracks and lead me to pray for the direction to move in next. The name of the pastor at my grandparents church kept coming to mind, so I decided to make an appointment with him.
As I drove to my meeting the following morning, I asked God for absolute clarity and discernment. I wanted to help her, but was feeling very uneasy.
My sweet husband has been so supportive of my many passionate endeavors and this situation was no different. When I came home telling of her dire situation, he not only supported me getting her an air conditioner, but suggested getting two. I love the generosity of his heart.
However, as the story of this family member and her surrounding relatives ( of whom I do not know) unfolded, I think I started to become aware of the real danger that accompanied this mission. My husband felt it as well and was overcome with a sense of deep foreboding. That stopped me in my tracks and lead me to pray for the direction to move in next. The name of the pastor at my grandparents church kept coming to mind, so I decided to make an appointment with him.
As I drove to my meeting the following morning, I asked God for absolute clarity and discernment. I wanted to help her, but was feeling very uneasy.
On Safari in the Devil's Triangle
I recently stumbled into a spiritual briar patch and found myself having to lean on the discernment of God's will in an unexpected way. I know, sounds a bit convoluted at the moment but let me set the stage for you.
About a week ago, an extended family member that I had recently seen at my grandfather's funeral, called me to borrow money. She had occasionally borrowed from my gramps and was always good about paying it back. I had observed that she did not ask often ( at least in the last year and a half), so, being the softy that I am when it comes to helping people out, lent her the money. At the time, she did not have a car, so since her house was not too far out of the way, I took it to her. I was completely taken aback when I arrived at her house. It was 2 houses behind a crack house in a neighborhood that is known as the devil's triangle. There was stuff everywhere, bugs scuttering about in the background and the air was thick with heat. She had no air conditioning. My heart sank. This was no way for anyone to live, let alone a sixty something woman with brain cancer. I felt as though a burning bush had just ignited right in front of my eyes.
The visit was short, but nice, she promised to pay me back in a week. Once in the car, I immediately started trying to figure out the logistics on how to get her air condtioning and proceeded in the next few days to score a great portable unit for $200 less that the advertised price, thanks to a very nice Home Depot manager. I delivered it, giddy as a schoolgirl, happy that I could bring her at least some comfort. We visited again and I learned more about the dangers of living there and heard myself saying I wanted to help her get out of that situation.
About a week ago, an extended family member that I had recently seen at my grandfather's funeral, called me to borrow money. She had occasionally borrowed from my gramps and was always good about paying it back. I had observed that she did not ask often ( at least in the last year and a half), so, being the softy that I am when it comes to helping people out, lent her the money. At the time, she did not have a car, so since her house was not too far out of the way, I took it to her. I was completely taken aback when I arrived at her house. It was 2 houses behind a crack house in a neighborhood that is known as the devil's triangle. There was stuff everywhere, bugs scuttering about in the background and the air was thick with heat. She had no air conditioning. My heart sank. This was no way for anyone to live, let alone a sixty something woman with brain cancer. I felt as though a burning bush had just ignited right in front of my eyes.
The visit was short, but nice, she promised to pay me back in a week. Once in the car, I immediately started trying to figure out the logistics on how to get her air condtioning and proceeded in the next few days to score a great portable unit for $200 less that the advertised price, thanks to a very nice Home Depot manager. I delivered it, giddy as a schoolgirl, happy that I could bring her at least some comfort. We visited again and I learned more about the dangers of living there and heard myself saying I wanted to help her get out of that situation.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Art of Moving a Grandmother
As the month has marched on after the passing of my grandfather, my focus has been forced to turn to the financial affairs and well being of my grandmother. When we brought my grandfather home on hospice last month, it became apparent very quickly that I would need somebody to stay in their apartment with them throughout the night. I also learned very quickly that hiring a caregiver to stay with a loved oldie is not cheap.
My grandmother has been in a steady decline for the last several years and battles with dementia, anxiety, sundowning and depression. Add on confusion, aggressive tendencies and at times utter meanness, and you have a recipe for someone who can not safely stay alone, much less take care of themselves. Up until my grandfathers health started to turn in January, he had looked out for her and taken care of her when the help at the assisted living was unavailable and honestly, I believe that the toll of that role on him led to his ultimate demise.
Fast forward to now where I am continuing to pay caregivers to stay with her at night because her sundowing and dementia have worsened in his absense and many nights she does not sleep at all . Their already small bankroll to keep them going until they leave this world is quickly drying up and I have had to make some pretty tough decisions about how to proceed.
By the grace of God, I was put in contact with an associate that I got to know when my grandparents moved into their current assisted living and he now has his own assisted living group home. The max capcity is 8, maybe 1o residents, there is one on one care for all, homecooked meals and it's a beautiful house. The cost is much better than what I am having to pay now and will certainly allow us to keep her out of a medicaid nursing home for much longer than if she stayed in her current residence. Actually, if she stayed put, we would be out of money in 5 months. Scarey. I love the home that I have found for her and think after a period of adjustment, she will do well there, but boy! In the meantime I've had to put on my "tough" face and deal with her malicious words and hateful attitude towards me. Kinda reminds me of when mom used to try and rattle my cage. I can handle it most of the time, but occasionally, she can find one of my buttons and push it. Today she succeeded. As I tried to explain to her
that she was running out of money and the reason for the move, she venemously told me that her money was probably gone because I had been spending it on myself. OUCH, that was below the belt and honestly really hurt. I've spent so many hours of my time, miles on my car, time away from my own life and career to take care of them/her that she almost got a reaction out of me. It was one of those moments where I really had to take a breath to take the high road but not before I almost let her engage me in an argument. However, good counseling( and that proverbs that addresess holding the tongue) kicked in and I simply told her"I'm done talking to you now." Had to walk away because she wanted nothing more than an argument at that point. The move should be intersting but I think I have set everything up to be as stress free as possible. Monday is the big day and with help from the cousins and the brother, hopefully all will go well.
I've continued to pray for clarity regarding this change and God just sent me another sign this morning. A caregiver that works at her current assisted living ( that my grandmother really likes) is coming to work at the house where I am moving her and will be there when we move Monday. I love that He knows my heart so well that He finds ways to assure me when I am unsure of that the path I have chosen is the path he intended.
So goes another day, another adventure in the wild, wild kingdom.
My grandmother has been in a steady decline for the last several years and battles with dementia, anxiety, sundowning and depression. Add on confusion, aggressive tendencies and at times utter meanness, and you have a recipe for someone who can not safely stay alone, much less take care of themselves. Up until my grandfathers health started to turn in January, he had looked out for her and taken care of her when the help at the assisted living was unavailable and honestly, I believe that the toll of that role on him led to his ultimate demise.
Fast forward to now where I am continuing to pay caregivers to stay with her at night because her sundowing and dementia have worsened in his absense and many nights she does not sleep at all . Their already small bankroll to keep them going until they leave this world is quickly drying up and I have had to make some pretty tough decisions about how to proceed.
By the grace of God, I was put in contact with an associate that I got to know when my grandparents moved into their current assisted living and he now has his own assisted living group home. The max capcity is 8, maybe 1o residents, there is one on one care for all, homecooked meals and it's a beautiful house. The cost is much better than what I am having to pay now and will certainly allow us to keep her out of a medicaid nursing home for much longer than if she stayed in her current residence. Actually, if she stayed put, we would be out of money in 5 months. Scarey. I love the home that I have found for her and think after a period of adjustment, she will do well there, but boy! In the meantime I've had to put on my "tough" face and deal with her malicious words and hateful attitude towards me. Kinda reminds me of when mom used to try and rattle my cage. I can handle it most of the time, but occasionally, she can find one of my buttons and push it. Today she succeeded. As I tried to explain to her
that she was running out of money and the reason for the move, she venemously told me that her money was probably gone because I had been spending it on myself. OUCH, that was below the belt and honestly really hurt. I've spent so many hours of my time, miles on my car, time away from my own life and career to take care of them/her that she almost got a reaction out of me. It was one of those moments where I really had to take a breath to take the high road but not before I almost let her engage me in an argument. However, good counseling( and that proverbs that addresess holding the tongue) kicked in and I simply told her"I'm done talking to you now." Had to walk away because she wanted nothing more than an argument at that point. The move should be intersting but I think I have set everything up to be as stress free as possible. Monday is the big day and with help from the cousins and the brother, hopefully all will go well.
I've continued to pray for clarity regarding this change and God just sent me another sign this morning. A caregiver that works at her current assisted living ( that my grandmother really likes) is coming to work at the house where I am moving her and will be there when we move Monday. I love that He knows my heart so well that He finds ways to assure me when I am unsure of that the path I have chosen is the path he intended.
So goes another day, another adventure in the wild, wild kingdom.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
My special Angel
Mama has been on my mind much recently....
I often love to go back and read one of the many treasures she left behind for me. She was always so gifted with words and I cherish every letter, every card, every poem, every journal entry and every email. This was the last correspondence I would have with mama....written and sent to me mere hours before she would depart from this world.
"God not only sends special angels into our lives, but sometimes He even sends them back again if we forget to take notes the first time! " - Eileen Elias Freeman
I often love to go back and read one of the many treasures she left behind for me. She was always so gifted with words and I cherish every letter, every card, every poem, every journal entry and every email. This was the last correspondence I would have with mama....written and sent to me mere hours before she would depart from this world.
Hi Baby,
It
really is important to live
each day as if it were a present from God. That is what it is. I'm sicker,
can't understand it. I guess
the last year really did serious damage. But I will rebound, and be
stronger for it. I learned a lot,
which perhaps helps me to help others.
I pray that God will give you strength to do what you have to do. God does
not test us, but allows
us to live in a world of evil. Each test makes us stronger. The book of
James talks of this, also
Isaiah 43:2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and
through the rivers,
they shall not overflow thee:...God is always with us. Whatever we do in
life, we are never alone.
Love you, pray for you, ask God to hold safe and show the way. Be strong,
you are one of his
angels, sent to help others.
Much love, MOM
"God not only sends special angels into our lives, but sometimes He even sends them back again if we forget to take notes the first time! " - Eileen Elias Freeman
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dear Mama,
It was three years ago tonight that you were crowned with your heavenly birthday and my world changed forever.
That night as we raced up to the hospital and Kevin called me with the news that you were no longer with us in this world, I remember like it was yesterday the wailing that erupted from me as my heart broke. The woman that brought me into this world, who has loved me every second of my life was gone from my earthly grasp.
I miss you mama.
I remember oh so clearly the last time I saw you. We were standing on the front walkway of your house and I was hugging you goodbye as you awaited daddy's long anticipated arrival home. We were both apprehensive about his arrival, and I remember we held onto each other for an extra long time as we hugged. I was determined to support you despite my own doubts and misgivings about daddy's homecoming. I remember we lingered there. I go back to that moment so many times in my mind when I miss you. I can almost feel your arms around me when I close my eyes.
It was the longest we had gone in a very long time without seeing each other. Two weeks. I know, we talked every day, many times multiple times, but I never saw you alive again after daddy came home.
I never got to take you to your Mother's Day tea. I know, you had a lot of days you were not feeling well, but I really wanted to take you. I suppose we can put that on the calendar when I come home.
Kevin and I have started a lovely tradition though. I know you would like it. Every year we go back out to where our family shared some of our most precious moments and we visit you on the hillside where we scattered your ashes.
I always pick the wildflowers that are blooming along the hike there and leave them for you under your tree.
We reminisce about all the many things that made you special and count our blessings knowing that God called you home at just the perfect time. We talk about how we miss you. We daydream about a time when we could buy WindDreamer back again. We never cease to be amazed at how serene and beautiful the land is where we laid you to rest. We then head back into town to eat at one of our favorite stops where we often frequented as a family. We enjoy the conversation and closeness that we have always shared.
Mama, you would be proud. We do a good job of looking out for each other and being there for each other.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. No day where I don't miss you.
But I know, I will see you again someday and I know you still pop in from time to time to let me know that you are still looking over me from heaven.
Today, we celebrated your life, the love that you poured over us, the lessons you have taught us and the beauty that you carried that dimmed this world when you left it.
I love you,
your baby girl
Friday, June 5, 2009
A Room with a View
This is a view from my back patio where I often love to just sit and think and pray. I especially love to sit on the patio in the evening hours ( without the mosquitos in a perfect world)when the crickets and tree frogs beckon me to the tranquility of the gardens with their nocturnal melodies. This is the view I gaze upon with contentment as I sit with my husband and discuss the adventures of our day. This is a view of my creative mind coming to fruition. This is a view that makes me feel closer to God and to those who loved me and taught me the great gift and sense of peace that nature brings.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A precious moment
Yesterday was a difficult day, as we buried my sweet gramps. My gramma was not suprisingly having a very hard time, but for her, that means mentally checking out and visiting dementia land. Even the simplest of tasks became mountains to overcome when getting her ready and I knew we would do well to get her through the service. I made a difficult decision to not bring her to the cemetery for the internment. I had been watching her at the church service and knew it was already too much.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be the one that organized and oversaw all of the details for papaw's funeral, and grateful that I could be the one that those around me looked to for direction. But a small selfish part of me wanted more of that day to allow me to do my own grieving.
It was good to be around my family and I cherish every relationship I have. I am grateful for my best friend, who stepped in to do whatever I needed doing, and grateful for the people who came to pay their respects.
One of the still small blessings that touched me most deeply yesterday was the love and affection of a seven year old who clung to me in some of my most difficult moments.
My sweet precious Emma ran up to me many times during the course of the day to hug me and remind me that she, too was here to love and support me. I held myself together pretty well most of the day, but I also knew that I was going to have the honor of recieving my gramps flag at the internment and I wasn't so sure I would hold myself together. My sweet, sweet girl made sure to sit next to me during the internment and reached out to hold my hand and at some point wrapped herself around me with yet another comforting hug. It touched my heart in a way that words cannot even describe. I remember looking at her precious little freckled face and into her deep blue eyes and thanking God for showing himself a place I did not expect to find him yesterday. I will carry those most precious moments close to my heart.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be the one that organized and oversaw all of the details for papaw's funeral, and grateful that I could be the one that those around me looked to for direction. But a small selfish part of me wanted more of that day to allow me to do my own grieving.
It was good to be around my family and I cherish every relationship I have. I am grateful for my best friend, who stepped in to do whatever I needed doing, and grateful for the people who came to pay their respects.
One of the still small blessings that touched me most deeply yesterday was the love and affection of a seven year old who clung to me in some of my most difficult moments.
My sweet precious Emma ran up to me many times during the course of the day to hug me and remind me that she, too was here to love and support me. I held myself together pretty well most of the day, but I also knew that I was going to have the honor of recieving my gramps flag at the internment and I wasn't so sure I would hold myself together. My sweet, sweet girl made sure to sit next to me during the internment and reached out to hold my hand and at some point wrapped herself around me with yet another comforting hug. It touched my heart in a way that words cannot even describe. I remember looking at her precious little freckled face and into her deep blue eyes and thanking God for showing himself a place I did not expect to find him yesterday. I will carry those most precious moments close to my heart.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Angels are among us
With both a heavy and joyous heart, I had the great honor and privilege to be at the side of my sweet papaw as he went to his heavenly reward last night. I was able to hold his hand and whisper in his ear of his awaiting Savior as he took his last breath. It was a prayer answered for me. I spoke with the Lord often in the last few weeks about wanting that honor and am so grateful that he allowed me to be my papaw's escort before the gates of heaven. Tears are rolling down my face and yet I am so grateful that he has finally been released from a broken body to a new and glorious one. He has been reunited with his children and so many other friends and family that were waiting for him and now, I have one more guardian angel watching over me in this earthly place.
Angels do walk this earth each and every day and yesterday, our family was blessed to have one in our presence. Her name is Lois and she was my grandfathers nurse for the remainder of his hours on this earth. It was very apparent the moment she stepped foot into our lives that she was an amazing woman. Her voice was soft and she went straight to him to find out how she could make him comfortable. She had him on medications immediately to keep him comfortable and remained ever so diligent in maintaining that comfort. She was gentle with him and talked to him about everything she did, as he was unable to speak. She was acutely aware of his body language and of each stage as he stepped closer to his heavenly home and made sure that I was aware in a kind and gentle way. She held his hand as well as mine. One of the biggest moments that stood out to me was her ability to make him so emotionally comfortable. She whispered in his ear, asking him what we needed to change, who needed to be there or not be there as he left this world. She asked him, when he was ready to go, to close his eyes, and he did. As we talked, she said that this moment had been planned for a long time, the roll had already been called, and until the roll was called, he would not go home. There was a way that God intended this night to go and it would play out just as He intended. She was a strong stable spirit of God with a compassion and caring that was so very comforting and perfect. I thank God for Lois and I know many other families before and after me do as well. She is an angel with a very special calling.
Lord, thank you so much for placing so many amazing people in our paths during papaws and memaw final days here on this earth. Thank you for surrounding us with your presence and your love and your peace. Thank you for letting me be by his side during his last moment and thank you for allowing me to keep looking after memaw as long as she has left on this earth. You are my rock.
Angels do walk this earth each and every day and yesterday, our family was blessed to have one in our presence. Her name is Lois and she was my grandfathers nurse for the remainder of his hours on this earth. It was very apparent the moment she stepped foot into our lives that she was an amazing woman. Her voice was soft and she went straight to him to find out how she could make him comfortable. She had him on medications immediately to keep him comfortable and remained ever so diligent in maintaining that comfort. She was gentle with him and talked to him about everything she did, as he was unable to speak. She was acutely aware of his body language and of each stage as he stepped closer to his heavenly home and made sure that I was aware in a kind and gentle way. She held his hand as well as mine. One of the biggest moments that stood out to me was her ability to make him so emotionally comfortable. She whispered in his ear, asking him what we needed to change, who needed to be there or not be there as he left this world. She asked him, when he was ready to go, to close his eyes, and he did. As we talked, she said that this moment had been planned for a long time, the roll had already been called, and until the roll was called, he would not go home. There was a way that God intended this night to go and it would play out just as He intended. She was a strong stable spirit of God with a compassion and caring that was so very comforting and perfect. I thank God for Lois and I know many other families before and after me do as well. She is an angel with a very special calling.
Lord, thank you so much for placing so many amazing people in our paths during papaws and memaw final days here on this earth. Thank you for surrounding us with your presence and your love and your peace. Thank you for letting me be by his side during his last moment and thank you for allowing me to keep looking after memaw as long as she has left on this earth. You are my rock.
Monday, May 4, 2009
The circle of life....
I do believe that time is winding down here in this imperfect world for my gramps. The last several months have been rough on him physically and I sense his mind and spirit are not too far behind. Just recently, he told me that he was ready to go "home" whenever the Lord called him and was peaceful and rather matter of fact about it. I have no doubt that preparations for him in Heaven are wrapping up and his welcoming committee is tending to the final touches to make his homecoming perfect.
While still emotional about it, I am at peace ( as much as one can be) about the events that lie ahead. I know where he is going and that I will see him again. I find myself in very intimate conversations with God about it. As taxing and tiring as this calling has been, I still find myself in awe of the fact that the Lord appointed me to be the one to see my grandparents through to the end of their days here on this earth.
As their earthly bodies wear out, and my decisons get more difficult, my prayer continues to be; that wisdom would guide me in giving them dignity and safety, that discernment would walk beside me and whisper in my ear when doctors wishes are one thing and the grandparents wishes are another, and that clarity would keep my eyes and my heart open to the decisions that best serve my grandparents and the Lord's will.
While still emotional about it, I am at peace ( as much as one can be) about the events that lie ahead. I know where he is going and that I will see him again. I find myself in very intimate conversations with God about it. As taxing and tiring as this calling has been, I still find myself in awe of the fact that the Lord appointed me to be the one to see my grandparents through to the end of their days here on this earth.
As their earthly bodies wear out, and my decisons get more difficult, my prayer continues to be; that wisdom would guide me in giving them dignity and safety, that discernment would walk beside me and whisper in my ear when doctors wishes are one thing and the grandparents wishes are another, and that clarity would keep my eyes and my heart open to the decisions that best serve my grandparents and the Lord's will.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
When I Get Where I'm Going....
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton
This song has a very strong attachment for me. We played it at my mother's funeral and I have spent many drives in my car over the last almost 3 years now, listening to it when I felt like mama was too far away. It's so bittersweet and when I listen to it, it allows me to, for just a few brief minutes, to let my guard down. While my faith in God is strong, there are days when I am overwhelmed with what He has given me to do. And these words, this music, it speaks to my soul and gives me great joy and hope in knowing that one day, I will know no pain, nor sorrow and the tears will be wiped from my eyes. It makes me miss my mom, and yet it reminds me that I will see her again one day.
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton
This song has a very strong attachment for me. We played it at my mother's funeral and I have spent many drives in my car over the last almost 3 years now, listening to it when I felt like mama was too far away. It's so bittersweet and when I listen to it, it allows me to, for just a few brief minutes, to let my guard down. While my faith in God is strong, there are days when I am overwhelmed with what He has given me to do. And these words, this music, it speaks to my soul and gives me great joy and hope in knowing that one day, I will know no pain, nor sorrow and the tears will be wiped from my eyes. It makes me miss my mom, and yet it reminds me that I will see her again one day.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The loss of a friend
Fast forward to present time where I have spent many a day at my grandparents assisted living, oftentimes, having lunch with them and getting to know the other residents and their family members that frequent the place as much as I do .
About six months ago, the lunch table was graced with the smiling face of a new resident, George. We made friends immediately. He was always quick to give a smile and a kiss hello and had a way about him that always made one feel at ease. He was quick with a joke or a poke to make you laugh and was quite the camera man. He seemed to always be taking pictures and sharing his treasures with those around him and was generous in every other way. He certainly seemed to face some challenges, but that never slowed him down. When I was visiting recently, I ran into him in the lobby to find that my sweet guy was sporting a couple of shiners and a big bruise on his nose to match. Apparently, he had a rather nasty spill out of the bed, but that didn't phase him in the least because the night before that, he had gotten to go to a Mav's game and had a blast. He commented that the bruises didn't matter a bit because the rest of life was so good. He was excited that he had just recently mastered transferring from his power chair to the car and was equally excited that his son had brought the new puppy to visit the day before. He just always had a great outlook and good things to say. He loved his orange juice and was never afraid to ask for what he wanted. He knew all the employees by name and showed respect to each and every one of them. He was my buddy. I always looked forward to visiting him whenever I was there. I was very sad to learn tonight that my sweet friend has passed away.
He brought a ray of sunshine to the assisted living and he will be sorely missed. I am honored to say that, for a brief time, he was my friend. Goodbye sweet George.
About six months ago, the lunch table was graced with the smiling face of a new resident, George. We made friends immediately. He was always quick to give a smile and a kiss hello and had a way about him that always made one feel at ease. He was quick with a joke or a poke to make you laugh and was quite the camera man. He seemed to always be taking pictures and sharing his treasures with those around him and was generous in every other way. He certainly seemed to face some challenges, but that never slowed him down. When I was visiting recently, I ran into him in the lobby to find that my sweet guy was sporting a couple of shiners and a big bruise on his nose to match. Apparently, he had a rather nasty spill out of the bed, but that didn't phase him in the least because the night before that, he had gotten to go to a Mav's game and had a blast. He commented that the bruises didn't matter a bit because the rest of life was so good. He was excited that he had just recently mastered transferring from his power chair to the car and was equally excited that his son had brought the new puppy to visit the day before. He just always had a great outlook and good things to say. He loved his orange juice and was never afraid to ask for what he wanted. He knew all the employees by name and showed respect to each and every one of them. He was my buddy. I always looked forward to visiting him whenever I was there. I was very sad to learn tonight that my sweet friend has passed away.
He brought a ray of sunshine to the assisted living and he will be sorely missed. I am honored to say that, for a brief time, he was my friend. Goodbye sweet George.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The first day
As the morning turned to afternoon and mom settled down a little, I turned my attention to focusing on taking care of her immediate daily and financial needs. Despite having our hearts ripped out, the world around us continued to turn and there were things like groceries to buy and bills to pay, doctors appointments to reschedule and the like. Mom and I have always been two peas in a pod when it comes to finding control wherever we can , and in an odd comforting kind of way, this was at least a small grasp of not only control but also a distraction. Of course when we started to access the financial situation, it arose more panic and distress in mom, but we had no choice but to plow ahead and make the most of what we had at the moment. It was up to me to keep a clear head and comfort her as much as I could. I felt the Lord in my words and in my touch that day, guiding me down the path he intended me to follow. I prayed I was able to keep up.
Daddy had left us a list of the monthly bills so at least we had a place to start, but it was far from easy to make heads or tails of what he had left us. The checkbook was a disaster and had not been reconciled in at least 6 months, if not longer. We didn't even know how much money was really in the account. He had taken his laptop computer and to make things even more challenging, she had never touched the internet, so things would have to be done more old school until I could get things up to speed on my system at home. I started with a phone call to the automated bank line to get a balance in the checking and savings accounts and spent a good portion of the rest of the afternoon just getting some semblance of order in the check register and figuring out what bills needed to go out and when. Had we the ability to harness the emotional energy that encompassed the house that afternoon, we could have run the AC for at least a Texas summer and kept things running very cool. We were both exhausted and she was in a great deal of physical pain and we decided we had done all we could do. I made sure she had a little to eat and a fresh klenex supply and left her for her first evening alone in a house she couldn't even really call home. I am sure after I left she continued to try and call daddy, leaving message after message, begging him to come back, but those pleas would fall on deaf ears. He had no intention of coming back and I knew it. My heart broke for her, it broke for me.
I had done all I could do that day and all I wanted to do was to run home into the arms of my husband and have him hold me and help me forget for just a little while. I am forever grateful that he did exactly that, he held me and took care of me, listened to me with full attention and even tried to make me laugh; all the while letting me cry, letting me process the events of the day and standing solid beside me as the storm began ....all my mother had ever wanted from my father.
Daddy had left us a list of the monthly bills so at least we had a place to start, but it was far from easy to make heads or tails of what he had left us. The checkbook was a disaster and had not been reconciled in at least 6 months, if not longer. We didn't even know how much money was really in the account. He had taken his laptop computer and to make things even more challenging, she had never touched the internet, so things would have to be done more old school until I could get things up to speed on my system at home. I started with a phone call to the automated bank line to get a balance in the checking and savings accounts and spent a good portion of the rest of the afternoon just getting some semblance of order in the check register and figuring out what bills needed to go out and when. Had we the ability to harness the emotional energy that encompassed the house that afternoon, we could have run the AC for at least a Texas summer and kept things running very cool. We were both exhausted and she was in a great deal of physical pain and we decided we had done all we could do. I made sure she had a little to eat and a fresh klenex supply and left her for her first evening alone in a house she couldn't even really call home. I am sure after I left she continued to try and call daddy, leaving message after message, begging him to come back, but those pleas would fall on deaf ears. He had no intention of coming back and I knew it. My heart broke for her, it broke for me.
I had done all I could do that day and all I wanted to do was to run home into the arms of my husband and have him hold me and help me forget for just a little while. I am forever grateful that he did exactly that, he held me and took care of me, listened to me with full attention and even tried to make me laugh; all the while letting me cry, letting me process the events of the day and standing solid beside me as the storm began ....all my mother had ever wanted from my father.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What's in a name?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a brief fast forward to present time. Join us now as we step inside the brains of our present day blogger in mid thought....
So I was taking a shower, trying to take off the chill and wind down from a long day and my thoughts were bouncing all over the place as the decompression began to take hold. As they do many nights during the decompression period, my thoughts drifted to my grandparents. Sometimes I am still mentally checking off the " to do list" for things that need to be taken care of, other times I am feeling sorry for them, but tonight, as many nights, I just contemplated who they are and what their lives have been. Being their caretaker the last several years, I have have had the distinct opportunity to get to know both of them on an entirely different level than any of the other grandchildren. That's not to say their relationships are not unique nor any less significant, rather that, as a caretaker, I have had to step out of the grandchild role and into the shoes of a parental role with both of them as time has progressed.
I have become particularly endeared to my grandfather since this change in relationship has taken place, more so than when I was just playing the role of granddaughter. I began to know him more as a person and not just as my papaw.
Be it by grace, genetics or both, I've discovered that my good nature and optimism come from him. In the time that I have taken care of him, he has faced some enormous changes and tragedies and yet never let life take him down too far. No matter the circumstances he's faced, he has always leaned back on his faith and plugged forward with the intent that God knew what He was doing. He has always made a point of showing gratitude and is cognisant of the time and energy that I spend helping both of them. He has been the single most stable and influencing male role model throughout my life.
As our relationship has grown and changed, and in the absence of my mother, he has crowned me with a bittersweet treasure that I hold so very close to my heart. As long as I can remember, his pet name for mom has always been "sug" ( pronounced shug). In the last year, somehow, I have adopted this name from him and it still makes my heart skip a beat whenever he addresses me as "sug." It instaneously makes me feel so special and cherished and yet it evokes a pang of deep longing for the one that brought me into this world . I consider it a great honor that he has chosen to pass along such an exceptionally personal term of endearment to me.
May we always stop and enjoy the small moments in life that make it so sweet.
So I was taking a shower, trying to take off the chill and wind down from a long day and my thoughts were bouncing all over the place as the decompression began to take hold. As they do many nights during the decompression period, my thoughts drifted to my grandparents. Sometimes I am still mentally checking off the " to do list" for things that need to be taken care of, other times I am feeling sorry for them, but tonight, as many nights, I just contemplated who they are and what their lives have been. Being their caretaker the last several years, I have have had the distinct opportunity to get to know both of them on an entirely different level than any of the other grandchildren. That's not to say their relationships are not unique nor any less significant, rather that, as a caretaker, I have had to step out of the grandchild role and into the shoes of a parental role with both of them as time has progressed.
I have become particularly endeared to my grandfather since this change in relationship has taken place, more so than when I was just playing the role of granddaughter. I began to know him more as a person and not just as my papaw.
Be it by grace, genetics or both, I've discovered that my good nature and optimism come from him. In the time that I have taken care of him, he has faced some enormous changes and tragedies and yet never let life take him down too far. No matter the circumstances he's faced, he has always leaned back on his faith and plugged forward with the intent that God knew what He was doing. He has always made a point of showing gratitude and is cognisant of the time and energy that I spend helping both of them. He has been the single most stable and influencing male role model throughout my life.
As our relationship has grown and changed, and in the absence of my mother, he has crowned me with a bittersweet treasure that I hold so very close to my heart. As long as I can remember, his pet name for mom has always been "sug" ( pronounced shug). In the last year, somehow, I have adopted this name from him and it still makes my heart skip a beat whenever he addresses me as "sug." It instaneously makes me feel so special and cherished and yet it evokes a pang of deep longing for the one that brought me into this world . I consider it a great honor that he has chosen to pass along such an exceptionally personal term of endearment to me.
May we always stop and enjoy the small moments in life that make it so sweet.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The resignation
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you Lord." Psalms 56:3
It was late August, barely a month after my parents had moved into their new home when I received a call that would alter all that I had known of life before. It was early morning and I was preparing for my day when the phone rang. It was my mother, hardly understandable and sobbing. Daddy had left in the middle of the night, leaving a note indicating he was gone for good and had no plans of being found. I felt a lump rise in my throat as my heart simultaneously broke.
I do not have much recollection of how I got to my mother, but I arrived at her house within the hour of the call. She was inconsolable and it was the first time in my life I had felt so helpless. My heart was breaking because when he left her, not to be found, he left all of us. I had to put my own feelings of hurt aside and be her strength and encourager, to somehow remind both of us that God was still in control. I remember so vividly sitting on the couch next to her, holding her hand in those first few hours, trying to help her make sense of it all. I knew their already toxic relationship had become increasingly hostile, and even had some warning signs from daddy, but I never ever thought he would just leave everything.
He had left a list of bills to pay and when, how much money he left her...all of the business of the home that he had taken over years before . His boss called a few hours later, equally perplexed that daddy had left a letter of resignation on his desk in the early hours of the morning mere days before the start of school.
There were hardly any of his personal items gone from either home or work. Some clothes, a few of his guns and camping equipment were gone, but that was all. There was no answer on his cell phone, and mom called many times. Eventually, later that day, he apparently just turned it off.
In the midst of the day as events began to sink in, it became clear why daddy had built their house around the corner from my brother, he had been planning this for some time. It was the only logical conclusion, and realizing that made the sting of heartache even deeper.
It was late August, barely a month after my parents had moved into their new home when I received a call that would alter all that I had known of life before. It was early morning and I was preparing for my day when the phone rang. It was my mother, hardly understandable and sobbing. Daddy had left in the middle of the night, leaving a note indicating he was gone for good and had no plans of being found. I felt a lump rise in my throat as my heart simultaneously broke.
I do not have much recollection of how I got to my mother, but I arrived at her house within the hour of the call. She was inconsolable and it was the first time in my life I had felt so helpless. My heart was breaking because when he left her, not to be found, he left all of us. I had to put my own feelings of hurt aside and be her strength and encourager, to somehow remind both of us that God was still in control. I remember so vividly sitting on the couch next to her, holding her hand in those first few hours, trying to help her make sense of it all. I knew their already toxic relationship had become increasingly hostile, and even had some warning signs from daddy, but I never ever thought he would just leave everything.
He had left a list of bills to pay and when, how much money he left her...all of the business of the home that he had taken over years before . His boss called a few hours later, equally perplexed that daddy had left a letter of resignation on his desk in the early hours of the morning mere days before the start of school.
There were hardly any of his personal items gone from either home or work. Some clothes, a few of his guns and camping equipment were gone, but that was all. There was no answer on his cell phone, and mom called many times. Eventually, later that day, he apparently just turned it off.
In the midst of the day as events began to sink in, it became clear why daddy had built their house around the corner from my brother, he had been planning this for some time. It was the only logical conclusion, and realizing that made the sting of heartache even deeper.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sweet moments
Spring drifted into summer and at last the house was built and mom and daddy were set to move in. There was much to be done as they not only had to pack up their apartment but also would be moving everything they had in storage. Mom had notebook after notebook with notes for how each room was to be laid out so that there was a home for each and every treasure that she had collected. In spite of her debilitating disease, she always held onto surrounding herself with beauty in any way she could. She had quite the gift for arranging much into a small space and making it feel as though each piece belonged exactly where it was. It was a long, arduous process for her but gave her comfort and a sense of accomplishment.
I remember spending many days at the house in the first several weeks, helping her unpack and organize. One day in particular we were working in the kitchen and had finally found the box with all of the pieces that went into the china cabinet. Oh how I wished I had taken the time to write things down from that day. As we unpacked each piece, mama would share with me it's history and how it came to be a part of the coveted collection that sat in the china cabinet. I remember that day fondly. I learned more about our family history, we enjoyed great conversation and we laughed. It was a day that I cherish and will always hold onto with gratitude.
I remember spending many days at the house in the first several weeks, helping her unpack and organize. One day in particular we were working in the kitchen and had finally found the box with all of the pieces that went into the china cabinet. Oh how I wished I had taken the time to write things down from that day. As we unpacked each piece, mama would share with me it's history and how it came to be a part of the coveted collection that sat in the china cabinet. I remember that day fondly. I learned more about our family history, we enjoyed great conversation and we laughed. It was a day that I cherish and will always hold onto with gratitude.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A step closer to the fire
It was spring of 2005 and the construction of their new house was well on it's way and was set to be complete by mid-summer. Mom was busy trying to distract herself with plans of moving once again, but the circumstances of her inner world had started to crumble and she was finding it harder and harder to hang on. Her disease had become worse and her pain dictated not only her ability to do normal day to day tasks, but navigated her anxiety to the brink of being unbearable. I cannot begin to imagine what difficulty lay ahead of her every day. The simple tasks that so many of us take for granted could so easily defeat her before she even arose out of bed in the morning. Fear and insecurity consumed her, and yet she would defy those feelings and do her best to keep going. Of course with fear, insecurity and depression ruling a person's life, it does not always bring out the best in any of us and mom was no exception. She could be difficult to talk to and be around when she was having a particularly trying day. It was no help that her and daddy continued their toxic dance. With daddy working and me living near by, I had taken on the task of taking her to many of her doctor appointments and out to visit her parents. Some days we did great together and other days, I found it very hard to show her matronly respect. Being my mother, she knew best how to push my buttons and then add the general mother/daughter component that can sabotage any given situation and the stage was set for some serious challenges on my part. I did my best to side step the minefield that presented itself as she had increasingly bad days, but I did not always dodge the bullet. While I have few regrets in life, my mismanagement of these situations is definitely on the list. Looking back, I realize that in many ways, God was preparing me for the days ahead and refining me in the study of patience and showing grace. I had no idea how soon I would be walking straight into the fire. Though in my thirties, somehow I was still naive about how truly unyielding this world could be.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Blankets
per-ser-ver-ance ( pur-suh-veer-uh
ns)
–noun
It's not necessarily a character trait any of us seek out, yet a quintessential side effect of life. We all experience both the peak and valley moments,but truth be told, most of us prefer the peaks. However, it is in the valley that we procure the elemental aspects that shape our most internal sense of character. It is when we are at our lowest that the reflection in the mirror becomes the most clear and when what's truly important can be our greatest ally in attaining the next peak.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1: 2-4
As a pastor I listened to recently pointed out, joy is not exactly what we are feeling when faced with a trial, yet he reminded me that we can find the joy in retrospect. The joy comes in looking back and seeing that we did indeed somehow make it through whatever valley we were traveling through. It blankets us in the depths of despair and pain, hardship and grief. Sometime it feels like we may never find the next peak, but we always do and oftentimes with a greater sense of gratitude and understanding. It is a a choice to find the wisdom in the difficult experiences in life but a choice well worth making. Because we have empathy, it allows us to serve others in the most intimate manner and in a sense, makes our own trials worthwhile because we were able to lend a compassionate hand to our brother.
In my own moments of perserverance, I find solice in music. There is one song, that for the last several years, has been my mantra when my heart has been heaviest and I felt as though I could not take one step further.
Even When
This week I prayed one time/ My phone it rang I put you on the other line/ And now my thoughts they drift away/ My knees remain unaquainted with the ground/ Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow/ Although I am in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best from me, from me
Chorus: Even when my eyes are dry/Even when my soul is tired/Even when my hands are heavy/I will life them up to You/It's not about how I feel/Oh Lord, I was made for you/ I exist for you/
I close my eyes but all I see/ Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines/ And this weeks mistakes coming back to mind but/ I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound/ Forget about me I only make me down/ Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You
Chorus
You've given me your life and held mine together and yet I find/ Excuses to staunch in my pew/ But when glory divine/ Is sitting in my very presence/ the least that I can do/ Is give my all to You/ give my all to You
Chorus
- Seven Places
ns)–noun
| 1. | steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. |
| 2. | Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation. |
It's not necessarily a character trait any of us seek out, yet a quintessential side effect of life. We all experience both the peak and valley moments,but truth be told, most of us prefer the peaks. However, it is in the valley that we procure the elemental aspects that shape our most internal sense of character. It is when we are at our lowest that the reflection in the mirror becomes the most clear and when what's truly important can be our greatest ally in attaining the next peak.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1: 2-4
As a pastor I listened to recently pointed out, joy is not exactly what we are feeling when faced with a trial, yet he reminded me that we can find the joy in retrospect. The joy comes in looking back and seeing that we did indeed somehow make it through whatever valley we were traveling through. It blankets us in the depths of despair and pain, hardship and grief. Sometime it feels like we may never find the next peak, but we always do and oftentimes with a greater sense of gratitude and understanding. It is a a choice to find the wisdom in the difficult experiences in life but a choice well worth making. Because we have empathy, it allows us to serve others in the most intimate manner and in a sense, makes our own trials worthwhile because we were able to lend a compassionate hand to our brother.
In my own moments of perserverance, I find solice in music. There is one song, that for the last several years, has been my mantra when my heart has been heaviest and I felt as though I could not take one step further.
Even When
This week I prayed one time/ My phone it rang I put you on the other line/ And now my thoughts they drift away/ My knees remain unaquainted with the ground/ Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow/ Although I am in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best from me, from me
Chorus: Even when my eyes are dry/Even when my soul is tired/Even when my hands are heavy/I will life them up to You/It's not about how I feel/Oh Lord, I was made for you/ I exist for you/
I close my eyes but all I see/ Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines/ And this weeks mistakes coming back to mind but/ I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound/ Forget about me I only make me down/ Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You
Chorus
You've given me your life and held mine together and yet I find/ Excuses to staunch in my pew/ But when glory divine/ Is sitting in my very presence/ the least that I can do/ Is give my all to You/ give my all to You
Chorus
- Seven Places
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Time Marches On
And mom did make that apartment look beautiful. It was like walking into a model that made you want to live there.
Daddy seemed to have settled into his new job and they had decided that they were ready to find a house and settle down once again.
In the meantime, my sweet brother had moved on from the apartment complex where he shared neighborly company with my parents and had himself transitioned into a new phase of life. He had married and built a house to accommodate his new bride and their life together. Their journey took them to a small town on the outskirts of a college town that was a decent drive away from the city. It was a new small subdivision that was bustling with many new families starting out and was at the time, a good fit for the newlyweds.
Imagine my brother's suprise when our parents told us they had decided to build a house in the same neighborhood, just down the street from my brother. He seemed to take the news fairly well. Not that he didn't love our parents, but our family was not the type to live quite so close together. We were a family that often enjoyed our time together but also were big fans of "space." This would be the second time they have lived so close and this move was certainly more of a permanent nature. I don't know if I would have been as gracious as my brother about that, but putting his own feelings aside, he helped them where he could and took everything in stride.
Daddy seemed to have settled into his new job and they had decided that they were ready to find a house and settle down once again.
In the meantime, my sweet brother had moved on from the apartment complex where he shared neighborly company with my parents and had himself transitioned into a new phase of life. He had married and built a house to accommodate his new bride and their life together. Their journey took them to a small town on the outskirts of a college town that was a decent drive away from the city. It was a new small subdivision that was bustling with many new families starting out and was at the time, a good fit for the newlyweds.
Imagine my brother's suprise when our parents told us they had decided to build a house in the same neighborhood, just down the street from my brother. He seemed to take the news fairly well. Not that he didn't love our parents, but our family was not the type to live quite so close together. We were a family that often enjoyed our time together but also were big fans of "space." This would be the second time they have lived so close and this move was certainly more of a permanent nature. I don't know if I would have been as gracious as my brother about that, but putting his own feelings aside, he helped them where he could and took everything in stride.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Picking up where the castle fell
So their transition away from the bays of coyotes, gravel roads and starlit nights led them to the more civilized sounds of fire sirens, busy traffic and street lights illuminating their back patio. Not only had they left the serenity of a countryside home, but for the first time were living the apartment life where sounds of noisy neighbors and the privacy they were used to had all but disappeared. On many levels, mom embraced this change, if only to be less secluded. The beauty of the country spoke to her soul on levels only her and the Lord could know, but the sense of loneliness that overcame her at times was overwhelming. As her condition had progressed, her ability to go out and greet civilization on her own terms had been dictated by the prison that her body held her in. There were still some good days where she could drive herself, but even then the pathway between the house and the garage was an obstacle course of uneven ground and the anxiety that accompanied it could be equally unnerving with a body that was shaky on it's own. Then there was the long drive to wherever it was that she destined a place to visit, as the country home was twenty minutes from the nearest town, much less the nearest city. So while the change was dramatic and bittersweet, she looked forward to again being the city girl that she had once been.
Daddy had chosen an apartment close to me and all but a few doors down from my brother. Later my brother and I would understand more as to why they moved so close.
Daddy took on a new post at a new school while mom took on the task of nesting and creating a home in this new foreign yet familiar place. Her palate was empty and her notebook was full of details entailing the placement of every picture, every candle and every piece of lace. She had been shopping for months for the perfect accents ( of course on sale) to create her new design. Most of their furniture from the country house had been put in storage until they could determine where their next permanent home would be. This new creation was a comforting distraction from the uncertainty of the unknown future. She never did well with change, especially when it came to her home, but she did the best she could and leaned on her artistic vision to keep her moving forward and to surround herself with beauty.
Daddy had chosen an apartment close to me and all but a few doors down from my brother. Later my brother and I would understand more as to why they moved so close.
Daddy took on a new post at a new school while mom took on the task of nesting and creating a home in this new foreign yet familiar place. Her palate was empty and her notebook was full of details entailing the placement of every picture, every candle and every piece of lace. She had been shopping for months for the perfect accents ( of course on sale) to create her new design. Most of their furniture from the country house had been put in storage until they could determine where their next permanent home would be. This new creation was a comforting distraction from the uncertainty of the unknown future. She never did well with change, especially when it came to her home, but she did the best she could and leaned on her artistic vision to keep her moving forward and to surround herself with beauty.
A small piece of Heaven
There have been many thoughts of Wind Dreamer today...I will share more pictures later, but here is a small taste of where my mind wanders to when I seek solidarity.
A starting point
I never intended to start blogging, and yet here I am. Maybe now that I am here, I can actually get back to journaling so to speak. Somehow, it stopped when I got married. I have been mulling over the last few years and the journey it has carried me on. Not an easy road, but I keep telling myself that I have built character eh? Maybe. Either way, I have been wanting to document it and while my origional intention was to do it privately, somehow I am here. If my journey can be of aid to anyone else out there , then let my experience bless you.
They are both amazing people. My mother was a creative genius and so full of passion. She struggled through most of her life and yet despite her challenges, always ultimately knew her power lay within the grace of God. The strength with which she endured the path she took was evident of His Holy power. My father, he is more of an intellectual with I think, a tad of ADD, always looking for that next opportunity, never really settling where he was. His knowledge of the bible has always impressed me and in his work life, there has been much evidence of the application of biblical teachings in the lives of his students.
Together though, while their love was strong and passionate, ultimately, the only thing I could see of them together was toxicity. Some people just don't do well together and unfortunately overall, these two did not. No child wants to make that assessment of their parents, but without going into great detail, the foundation had been laid for many years.
Fast forward to 2005. By now mom had been diagnosed with a rare form of Rheumatoid arthritis. She was constantly fatigued and suffered with much pain. The things that had once given her great pleasure, her creative endeavors, had become more work than pleasure and even the simplest of tasks became an accomplishment of great endurance. Because she also suffered from anxiety this exasurbated her circumstances and left her feeling more alone and depressed than I think she had ever encountered. She was a determined woman and was never one to stop trying, but even in her great determination, I think she ultimately felt more defeated than victorious. Even the most determined spirits can eventually wear down in this sometimes weary world. While a warrior, she was no exception.
Daddy was in a place of wearing down himself. The ongoing disharmony between them and the added demands of taking over many of the household duties, once deemed mom's territory, was taking it's toll. Somewhere in the midst of moving from their dream home, leaving a job that was familiar and comfortable and her diagnosis, he had queitly suffered a small stroke. No outward evidence neccesarily, but in looking back, I think he lost on a subtle level, some of the tools that had enabled him to push through long hours and stressful situations as he had once done as a younger man. Outwardly he seemed to have it together, but on the inside, as I would later learn, he was slowly unraveling while trying desperately to hold it all together.
In light of mom's deteriorating health, they both decided that it was time to leave their "castle on a hill" in the country and head back to the city where doctors were closer and coveniences were easier to attain. I am still sure that this was never an easy decision. Of all the places my parents have lived over the years, Wind Dreamer was their vision, their creation together, and I think, a place where their most harmonious moments surfaced moreso than anywhere else. It was a spirtual place and a place to this day is still where I go in my head when I want to find peace. Funny that I never lived there and yet it is more home than any other place I've been in regards to my family.
"Learn wisdom from the ways of a seedling. A seedling which is never hardened off through stressful situations will never become a strong productive plant." - Stephen Sigmond
In retrospect, it was when my parents moved to Ponder that my own pondering of life really started to take shape over the last few years.They are both amazing people. My mother was a creative genius and so full of passion. She struggled through most of her life and yet despite her challenges, always ultimately knew her power lay within the grace of God. The strength with which she endured the path she took was evident of His Holy power. My father, he is more of an intellectual with I think, a tad of ADD, always looking for that next opportunity, never really settling where he was. His knowledge of the bible has always impressed me and in his work life, there has been much evidence of the application of biblical teachings in the lives of his students.
Together though, while their love was strong and passionate, ultimately, the only thing I could see of them together was toxicity. Some people just don't do well together and unfortunately overall, these two did not. No child wants to make that assessment of their parents, but without going into great detail, the foundation had been laid for many years.
Fast forward to 2005. By now mom had been diagnosed with a rare form of Rheumatoid arthritis. She was constantly fatigued and suffered with much pain. The things that had once given her great pleasure, her creative endeavors, had become more work than pleasure and even the simplest of tasks became an accomplishment of great endurance. Because she also suffered from anxiety this exasurbated her circumstances and left her feeling more alone and depressed than I think she had ever encountered. She was a determined woman and was never one to stop trying, but even in her great determination, I think she ultimately felt more defeated than victorious. Even the most determined spirits can eventually wear down in this sometimes weary world. While a warrior, she was no exception.
Daddy was in a place of wearing down himself. The ongoing disharmony between them and the added demands of taking over many of the household duties, once deemed mom's territory, was taking it's toll. Somewhere in the midst of moving from their dream home, leaving a job that was familiar and comfortable and her diagnosis, he had queitly suffered a small stroke. No outward evidence neccesarily, but in looking back, I think he lost on a subtle level, some of the tools that had enabled him to push through long hours and stressful situations as he had once done as a younger man. Outwardly he seemed to have it together, but on the inside, as I would later learn, he was slowly unraveling while trying desperately to hold it all together.
In light of mom's deteriorating health, they both decided that it was time to leave their "castle on a hill" in the country and head back to the city where doctors were closer and coveniences were easier to attain. I am still sure that this was never an easy decision. Of all the places my parents have lived over the years, Wind Dreamer was their vision, their creation together, and I think, a place where their most harmonious moments surfaced moreso than anywhere else. It was a spirtual place and a place to this day is still where I go in my head when I want to find peace. Funny that I never lived there and yet it is more home than any other place I've been in regards to my family.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I didn't mean to start blogging
But I wanted to post on a friend's blog and the more I thought about it, the more I thought, what the hec. I've been meaning to get back into journaling for some time now and if I have a blog, I have to write something. So stay tuned and we'll see what comes of it.
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