Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Devil is in the Details

"Don't be impatient. Wait for the Lord, and He will come and save you! Be, brave, stouthearted and courageous. Yes, wait and He will help you." Psalms 27:14

I am not a big fan of waiting...and yet, God calls me to wait. And brave? Stouthearted means the same thing as brave, so we are basically instructed to be brave, brave and well, brave.

One of my devotionals this week read:" Come to me in all of your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual. When anxiety attempts to wedge it's way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to my will...the safest place to be is in My will. " (from the book Jesus Calling)
Since the new year has started, I have felt the refining fires burning hot around me and as of late have actually felt as I might just burst into flames. I am thankful that God has made His pursuit of me and reminders of His presence frequent and persistent. Some days it has felt like an epic battle just to get from moment to moment.
You see, besides going through a major surgery with the love of my life and taking care of him in his recovery, after twenty years, I left a habit behind that I have struggled to quit on and off for at least ten years now. Surprisingly, while there are moments when I have cravings, they are manageable. The kicker in the mix is that ironically, when I quit smoking, the rest of my body went haywire. At first, I thought it was nicotine withdrawal, but never remembered having that problem for more than a day or two in the past when I have quit (it takes a few times for many of us reformed smokers to get it right). It's taken me a month to figure out that I am not going crazy, but my hormones are and boy if there is a symptom, I have it. The worst is the anxiety. My mother suffered from anxiety disorder and while I did not inherit it, just the environment I grew up in left some marks. Fortunately, at a young age I learned how to handle anxious moments with cognitive behavioral skills and for the most part have navigated through my adult life utilizing those skills to get me through the rough patches. Prayer has always been a big element as well. However, I can't ever remember feeling this anxious all of the time, from when I wake and even in sleep some nights.
I honestly have to say, I am not sure how my mother made it as far as she did. It is a terrible feeling when you want to crawl out of your skin most of the time and in my case, depression is not far behind. I have not felt this disconnected with myself since I was in my early twenties. It's very disconcerting, but my logical mind knows this is only a season, but my now, moody side is screaming to be done already. But God says "wait." I listened to a sermon recently where the pastor pointed out how God says He will walk through the fire with you, not run, mind you,but walk. Any way we can walk faster Lord? Maybe take it up to a slow jog? Promise you won't let me burst into flames?
And the devil is in the details...he has been certain to take advantage of every weak moment he can and there have been alot of those. Just to add to the refining process, while going through this "adjustment" the routines that I have relied on at home to help me unwind and relax have also, for the most part been removed or changed and don't think the devil is having a field day with all of this.
By grace and God's ever persistent love and patience, I know this season will pass and I am, as my mama taught me, working like it's up to me and praying like it's up to God.
And for anyone who might stumble upon my ramblings of my struggle with leaving behind a bad habit, if you too are trying to slay your dragon, remember, you can do this and it will get better. One foot in front of the other, one breathe at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time. "Yes, wait and He will help you."