Sunday, December 26, 2010

On the Journey


"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Eat Pray Love

May God keep me brave and may I never stop seeking the great truths He has to teach me in this life. May my eyes always be wide open and my heart receptive to those teachers He places in my life.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Beauty and Healing





ItalicIt's been four years since my mother passed away and it has been since Christmas of that year that I have seen my father. It's a been a complicated relationship, but despite that, he's my dad and the bible teaches us to honor our parents.
In the past year, I have worked on making more of an effort to call daddy more regularly and follow God's lead on letting go of previous hurts. I had been praying about going to visit my dad, but had not felt God was telling me it was time. Then dad decided to have back surgery, which
turned up the need for open heart surgery! I prayed about going up for the surgery and still didn't feel the Holy Spirit moving. As hard as it was, I waited. It was difficult to be thousands of miles away when I knew what a serious surgery this was going to be, and then when I learned his wife had no one to wait with her, I really wanted to go, but my heart still said "wait." It was during the surgery while his wife and I were texting back and forth that God finally said "now you can go." I wanted to be sure, so I prayed God would speak through my husband and when we discussed it, he was not only supportive, but already had it in his mind that I needed to go. I so love that about my husband, his kindness and desire to help others and the importance of family.
So, the day my dad was released from the hospital, I got on a plane and flew to New York to help him with his recovery.
It proved to be a time of serving, healing and reconnection. Through my experiences of taking care of my grandparents, I've come to learn and respect the need for dignity when you are faced with caring for one who has lost the ability to do for themselves in their normal manner and this was no exception. I was grateful for the insight and truly felt it not only helped me to help daddy but to reinforce and bring to light the lessons God had been teaching me about being a humble servant. Now, that didn't stop me from being the hen that I can be ( grin), Daddy proudly referred to me as his 800lb gorilla who kept him in line. I have to give credit to my husband, who has taught me over the years how important laughter is and that keeping things light can make a difficult situation much more tolerable. This was a tool that I relied on to be helpful in a non confrontational way and it too served me well.
It was a week full of purpose and hard work and in some senses, new beginnings.
It was a bonus blessing that Daddy's and his wife's house was surrounded by the beauty of the landscape and I very much enjoyed the distractions of the views and life that teamed about.

This was the first thing I was greeted with in the morning as I awoke.


And this was the view outside the sun room, where daddy and I spent much time chatting and watching the activity outside of birds, squirrels, chipmunks and deer.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Learning to Exhale

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11

These are verses that have played often in my mind recently as I have struggled with life circumstances as of late. God has a funny way of whittling away at us sometimes that may leave us, well, feeling like nothing more than a nub of wood, raw and exposed to all of the elements in all of our nakedness.

I can't honestly say that I would use the word "delight" in dealing with my weakness, but on the other hand, I know that while I don't like where I am right now, both physically or emotionally, that God has a purpose and a plan in the journey that I am taking. He has in effect, uprooted me from so much that is familiar and comfortable that once again I am forced to rely not on my own strength but His and His alone. From one who loves to be in control ( or at least think I am), the lessons of where my strength must remain can feel painfully harsh, and yet my heart knows it is out of His love that I must walk through the discomfort to receive the blessing that He has planned for me. He is not a God of mediocrity and He knows that in my haste to find some sort of peace I will settle. My mind knows that He will never allow me more than I can handle and yet in the last several weeks I have found myself yelling at God at the top of my lungs that I just can't take anymore. It feels as though it has been a constant push now for 5 years and just when I think the storms will calm, there is still more to come.

And yet.....

there is a still small voice somewhere in the recesses of my mind that tells me that these growing pains I am going through now are necessary to usher me into the next chapter, whatever that may be. So, by His grace alone, may I find my way along the path, remembering that He is always by my side and that it's okay to let it all out to Him, the weariness, the sadness, the uncertainty, the discomfort and even the reluctance to trust what He is doing; to remember that He can handle all of my doubts and fears.

For when I am weak, He is strong

and I can stop holding my breath


and learn once again to exhale.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"Maybe" part 1

This was the song playing on the radio as my husband drove home on a night that further signified the closing of a chapter of our lives and the opening of a new one.
It's funny how fast life can change. For the last five years, I have played the role of care giver, first to my mother and then to my grandparents. It has been a labor of love, one that I would not change for the world. Only a mere week before the 4th anniversary of my mother's death, my grandmother, my memaw, finally went home to meet her Creator and join the family that had gone on before her. Her quality of life had been poor for too long and as much as I knew I would miss her, I wanted her to be free of the frail frame that housed a now weary mind that was trapped in a fog of confusion. It was a difficult death. It broke my heart that her last hours on this earth were so labored and yet despite that, she was surrounded by all of her grandchildren and there was an overpowering flood of love that filled the room. It was almost as though it was memaw's last gift to her legacy, to bring all of her grandchildren together to embrace what was so important to her, family. It's a unique situation, seeing a loved one off to heaven, one that for us, strengthened our family bond and brought us all closer together. It was not until I was writing and processing the events of the last weeks, that I even realized the gift that she gave us on her heavenly birthday. God is good, my baby girl is home and I have started to realize that a chapter of my life is ending that may leave me a bit lost for a spell. But it also leaves me wondering what great adventures God has for me next. While I have to be honest and say I hope things are a bit calmer in the next chapter, I know that whatever He has in store can be nothing less than great. I am so very grateful for the opportunities that God has given me to learn and grow in so many ways these last several years and how abundantly He has blessed me in ways I could have never imagined.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Corner Garden, where it all began




In the Garden

As we get ready to embark on a new adventure, selling this house and moving to another, I find myself already missing my garden here and yet looking forward to a clean palate.
I love that when I came to the house, there was nothing but grass and trees. I got to create my own oasis and loved every minute of it.
I love that a once barren yard now blooms throughout the seasons and is vibrant with life. The Mr. and Mrs. ( a pair of cardinals that have been coming to our yard for four years now!) love to collect nest materials and poke about the plants while the geckos scurry about. The purple martins have made our yard a hang out spot the last two years and the hummingbird we have fondly named Homer has been visiting the last three years. We have toads and worms and even some small garden snakes. I will miss our majestic bald cypress and the way it sounds when the rain falls through the leaves on a summer afternoon and I will miss sitting at my mother's old patio table overlooking my creation as I speak with our creator.
What better place to explore the old pictures and the development than here. Join me will you on my path through the garden?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Micah 6:8

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly
and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

The mission statement of an amazing lady that graced this earth for 103 years.