A precious moment

Yesterday was a difficult day, as we buried my sweet gramps. My gramma was not suprisingly having a very hard time, but for her, that means mentally checking out and visiting dementia land. Even the simplest of tasks became mountains to overcome when getting her ready and I knew we would do well to get her through the service. I made a difficult decision to not bring her to the cemetery for the internment. I had been watching her at the church service and knew it was already too much.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be the one that organized and oversaw all of the details for papaw's funeral, and grateful that I could be the one that those around me looked to for direction. But a small selfish part of me wanted more of that day to allow me to do my own grieving.
It was good to be around my family and I cherish every relationship I have. I am grateful for my best friend, who stepped in to do whatever I needed doing, and grateful for the people who came to pay their respects.
One of the still small blessings that touched me most deeply yesterday was the love and affection of a seven year old who clung to me in some of my most difficult moments.
My sweet precious Emma ran up to me many times during the course of the day to hug me and remind me that she, too was here to love and support me. I held myself together pretty well most of the day, but I also knew that I was going to have the honor of recieving my gramps flag at the internment and I wasn't so sure I would hold myself together. My sweet, sweet girl made sure to sit next to me during the internment and reached out to hold my hand and at some point wrapped herself around me with yet another comforting hug. It touched my heart in a way that words cannot even describe. I remember looking at her precious little freckled face and into her deep blue eyes and thanking God for showing himself a place I did not expect to find him yesterday. I will carry those most precious moments close to my heart.

Angels are among us

With both a heavy and joyous heart, I had the great honor and privilege to be at the side of my sweet papaw as he went to his heavenly reward last night. I was able to hold his hand and whisper in his ear of his awaiting Savior as he took his last breath. It was a prayer answered for me. I spoke with the Lord often in the last few weeks about wanting that honor and am so grateful that he allowed me to be my papaw's escort before the gates of heaven. Tears are rolling down my face and yet I am so grateful that he has finally been released from a broken body to a new and glorious one. He has been reunited with his children and so many other friends and family that were waiting for him and now, I have one more guardian angel watching over me in this earthly place.
Angels do walk this earth each and every day and yesterday, our family was blessed to have one in our presence. Her name is Lois and she was my grandfathers nurse for the remainder of his hours on this earth. It was very apparent the moment she stepped foot into our lives that she was an amazing woman. Her voice was soft and she went straight to him to find out how she could make him comfortable. She had him on medications immediately to keep him comfortable and remained ever so diligent in maintaining that comfort. She was gentle with him and talked to him about everything she did, as he was unable to speak. She was acutely aware of his body language and of each stage as he stepped closer to his heavenly home and made sure that I was aware in a kind and gentle way. She held his hand as well as mine. One of the biggest moments that stood out to me was her ability to make him so emotionally comfortable. She whispered in his ear, asking him what we needed to change, who needed to be there or not be there as he left this world. She asked him, when he was ready to go, to close his eyes, and he did. As we talked, she said that this moment had been planned for a long time, the roll had already been called, and until the roll was called, he would not go home. There was a way that God intended this night to go and it would play out just as He intended. She was a strong stable spirit of God with a compassion and caring that was so very comforting and perfect. I thank God for Lois and I know many other families before and after me do as well. She is an angel with a very special calling.
Lord, thank you so much for placing so many amazing people in our paths during papaws and memaw final days here on this earth. Thank you for surrounding us with your presence and your love and your peace. Thank you for letting me be by his side during his last moment and thank you for allowing me to keep looking after memaw as long as she has left on this earth. You are my rock.

The circle of life....

I do believe that time is winding down here in this imperfect world for my gramps. The last several months have been rough on him physically and I sense his mind and spirit are not too far behind. Just recently, he told me that he was ready to go "home" whenever the Lord called him and was peaceful and rather matter of fact about it. I have no doubt that preparations for him in Heaven are wrapping up and his welcoming committee is tending to the final touches to make his homecoming perfect.
While still emotional about it, I am at peace ( as much as one can be) about the events that lie ahead. I know where he is going and that I will see him again. I find myself in very intimate conversations with God about it. As taxing and tiring as this calling has been, I still find myself in awe of the fact that the Lord appointed me to be the one to see my grandparents through to the end of their days here on this earth.
As their earthly bodies wear out, and my decisons get more difficult, my prayer continues to be; that wisdom would guide me in giving them dignity and safety, that discernment would walk beside me and whisper in my ear when doctors wishes are one thing and the grandparents wishes are another, and that clarity would keep my eyes and my heart open to the decisions that best serve my grandparents and the Lord's will.

When I Get Where I'm Going....

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton

This song has a very strong attachment for me. We played it at my mother's funeral and I have spent many drives in my car over the last almost 3 years now, listening to it when I felt like mama was too far away. It's so bittersweet and when I listen to it, it allows me to, for just a few brief minutes, to let my guard down. While my faith in God is strong, there are days when I am overwhelmed with what He has given me to do. And these words, this music, it speaks to my soul and gives me great joy and hope in knowing that one day, I will know no pain, nor sorrow and the tears will be wiped from my eyes. It makes me miss my mom, and yet it reminds me that I will see her again one day.

The loss of a friend

Fast forward to present time where I have spent many a day at my grandparents assisted living, oftentimes, having lunch with them and getting to know the other residents and their family members that frequent the place as much as I do .
About six months ago, the lunch table was graced with the smiling face of a new resident, George. We made friends immediately. He was always quick to give a smile and a kiss hello and had a way about him that always made one feel at ease. He was quick with a joke or a poke to make you laugh and was quite the camera man. He seemed to always be taking pictures and sharing his treasures with those around him and was generous in every other way. He certainly seemed to face some challenges, but that never slowed him down. When I was visiting recently, I ran into him in the lobby to find that my sweet guy was sporting a couple of shiners and a big bruise on his nose to match. Apparently, he had a rather nasty spill out of the bed, but that didn't phase him in the least because the night before that, he had gotten to go to a Mav's game and had a blast. He commented that the bruises didn't matter a bit because the rest of life was so good. He was excited that he had just recently mastered transferring from his power chair to the car and was equally excited that his son had brought the new puppy to visit the day before. He just always had a great outlook and good things to say. He loved his orange juice and was never afraid to ask for what he wanted. He knew all the employees by name and showed respect to each and every one of them. He was my buddy. I always looked forward to visiting him whenever I was there. I was very sad to learn tonight that my sweet friend has passed away.
He brought a ray of sunshine to the assisted living and he will be sorely missed. I am honored to say that, for a brief time, he was my friend. Goodbye sweet George.

The first day

As the morning turned to afternoon and mom settled down a little, I turned my attention to focusing on taking care of her immediate daily and financial needs. Despite having our hearts ripped out, the world around us continued to turn and there were things like groceries to buy and bills to pay, doctors appointments to reschedule and the like. Mom and I have always been two peas in a pod when it comes to finding control wherever we can , and in an odd comforting kind of way, this was at least a small grasp of not only control but also a distraction. Of course when we started to access the financial situation, it arose more panic and distress in mom, but we had no choice but to plow ahead and make the most of what we had at the moment. It was up to me to keep a clear head and comfort her as much as I could. I felt the Lord in my words and in my touch that day, guiding me down the path he intended me to follow. I prayed I was able to keep up.
Daddy had left us a list of the monthly bills so at least we had a place to start, but it was far from easy to make heads or tails of what he had left us. The checkbook was a disaster and had not been reconciled in at least 6 months, if not longer. We didn't even know how much money was really in the account. He had taken his laptop computer and to make things even more challenging, she had never touched the internet, so things would have to be done more old school until I could get things up to speed on my system at home. I started with a phone call to the automated bank line to get a balance in the checking and savings accounts and spent a good portion of the rest of the afternoon just getting some semblance of order in the check register and figuring out what bills needed to go out and when. Had we the ability to harness the emotional energy that encompassed the house that afternoon, we could have run the AC for at least a Texas summer and kept things running very cool. We were both exhausted and she was in a great deal of physical pain and we decided we had done all we could do. I made sure she had a little to eat and a fresh klenex supply and left her for her first evening alone in a house she couldn't even really call home. I am sure after I left she continued to try and call daddy, leaving message after message, begging him to come back, but those pleas would fall on deaf ears. He had no intention of coming back and I knew it. My heart broke for her, it broke for me.
I had done all I could do that day and all I wanted to do was to run home into the arms of my husband and have him hold me and help me forget for just a little while. I am forever grateful that he did exactly that, he held me and took care of me, listened to me with full attention and even tried to make me laugh; all the while letting me cry, letting me process the events of the day and standing solid beside me as the storm began ....all my mother had ever wanted from my father.

What's in a name?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a brief fast forward to present time. Join us now as we step inside the brains of our present day blogger in mid thought....
So I was taking a shower, trying to take off the chill and wind down from a long day and my thoughts were bouncing all over the place as the decompression began to take hold. As they do many nights during the decompression period, my thoughts drifted to my grandparents. Sometimes I am still mentally checking off the " to do list" for things that need to be taken care of, other times I am feeling sorry for them, but tonight, as many nights, I just contemplated who they are and what their lives have been. Being their caretaker the last several years, I have have had the distinct opportunity to get to know both of them on an entirely different level than any of the other grandchildren. That's not to say their relationships are not unique nor any less significant, rather that, as a caretaker, I have had to step out of the grandchild role and into the shoes of a parental role with both of them as time has progressed.
I have become particularly endeared to my grandfather since this change in relationship has taken place, more so than when I was just playing the role of granddaughter. I began to know him more as a person and not just as my papaw.
Be it by grace, genetics or both, I've discovered that my good nature and optimism come from him. In the time that I have taken care of him, he has faced some enormous changes and tragedies and yet never let life take him down too far. No matter the circumstances he's faced, he has always leaned back on his faith and plugged forward with the intent that God knew what He was doing. He has always made a point of showing gratitude and is cognisant of the time and energy that I spend helping both of them. He has been the single most stable and influencing male role model throughout my life.
As our relationship has grown and changed, and in the absence of my mother, he has crowned me with a bittersweet treasure that I hold so very close to my heart. As long as I can remember, his pet name for mom has always been "sug" ( pronounced shug). In the last year, somehow, I have adopted this name from him and it still makes my heart skip a beat whenever he addresses me as "sug." It instaneously makes me feel so special and cherished and yet it evokes a pang of deep longing for the one that brought me into this world . I consider it a great honor that he has chosen to pass along such an exceptionally personal term of endearment to me.
May we always stop and enjoy the small moments in life that make it so sweet.