the rush of the season, Jesus has reminded me that in the rush of His life, He too took time to step back and rest and recoup and to spend time with His Father.
A good thought during a busy season. One harder to practice, but is rich in blessing when you have a moment to be still.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Letting Go
of circumstances I cannot control, of people I cannot change and of emotions that tie me to a sense of feeling helpless. This is what I strive for.
As I grapple with grief once again and I fight the simultaneous feelings of betrayal and worry, I somehow can still feel the strong under currant of peace in knowing that God is sovereign. I have been reminded of that over and over as of late in my morning devotionals as I think He has been preparing my heart to once and for all, cut ties in a relationship that I have spent my life trying keep a grasp on.
What child does not want to honor their parents? Make them proud, gain their approval? I am reminded in my heart of hearts as I write this, that my need to please others ( at least in some part) most likely comes from the desire to gain the attention of my earthly father. Alas, while I know somewhere in his heart he loves me and my brother, as long as I can remember, he has invested his time and energy in other pursuits and has chosen a path of ultimate destruction in regards to a relationship with his children.
My heart grieves for a life he could have know, had he chosen differently. Alas, I fear his heart is hard. The path he has taken has involved making the same mistakes over and over. There was a part of me that held onto the hope that, in his older years he had changed, that his heart had finally softened. It can be a blessing and a curse to always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
God has blessed me with a forgiving heart and time and again, I have forgiven him and given him a second chance, wanting to be obedient to my heavenly Father, as He teaches us the importance of forgiveness for the sake of our own hearts. I am grateful for that as there have been some great atrocities that I have had to forgive, reminding myself that my God is a just God. And yet, I have recently been reminded through scripture that I can forgive, I can love and I can pray, but I don't have to be a part of a relationship that embraces destruction.
" Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. " Ephesians 5:6-11
I am grateful for a place to come and write. I have often found that through taking the time to write has given me the opportunity to thoughtfully contemplate whatever it is on my heart and in the process, find a deeper connection with my heavenly Father. A Father who loves me unconditionally, who is always there for me and wants to bless me abundantly, even in the trials of life. A Father who knows every hair on my head, every tear that I have shed, and every thought that has ever crossed my mind. A Father who loves me in my weakness and who gives me my strength.
A heavenly Father who knows that my longing for an earthly Father that does not pursue evil will continue to be my prayer and hope.
As I grapple with grief once again and I fight the simultaneous feelings of betrayal and worry, I somehow can still feel the strong under currant of peace in knowing that God is sovereign. I have been reminded of that over and over as of late in my morning devotionals as I think He has been preparing my heart to once and for all, cut ties in a relationship that I have spent my life trying keep a grasp on.
What child does not want to honor their parents? Make them proud, gain their approval? I am reminded in my heart of hearts as I write this, that my need to please others ( at least in some part) most likely comes from the desire to gain the attention of my earthly father. Alas, while I know somewhere in his heart he loves me and my brother, as long as I can remember, he has invested his time and energy in other pursuits and has chosen a path of ultimate destruction in regards to a relationship with his children.
My heart grieves for a life he could have know, had he chosen differently. Alas, I fear his heart is hard. The path he has taken has involved making the same mistakes over and over. There was a part of me that held onto the hope that, in his older years he had changed, that his heart had finally softened. It can be a blessing and a curse to always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
God has blessed me with a forgiving heart and time and again, I have forgiven him and given him a second chance, wanting to be obedient to my heavenly Father, as He teaches us the importance of forgiveness for the sake of our own hearts. I am grateful for that as there have been some great atrocities that I have had to forgive, reminding myself that my God is a just God. And yet, I have recently been reminded through scripture that I can forgive, I can love and I can pray, but I don't have to be a part of a relationship that embraces destruction.
" Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. " Ephesians 5:6-11
I am grateful for a place to come and write. I have often found that through taking the time to write has given me the opportunity to thoughtfully contemplate whatever it is on my heart and in the process, find a deeper connection with my heavenly Father. A Father who loves me unconditionally, who is always there for me and wants to bless me abundantly, even in the trials of life. A Father who knows every hair on my head, every tear that I have shed, and every thought that has ever crossed my mind. A Father who loves me in my weakness and who gives me my strength.
A heavenly Father who knows that my longing for an earthly Father that does not pursue evil will continue to be my prayer and hope.
Monday, April 9, 2012
A perfect capture
Of how I think we all feel some days!
A dear friend of mine taught me to keep in mind that even on the roughest days....
"Well Praise the Lord anyways!" ~LaNelle
and of course...
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
A dear friend of mine taught me to keep in mind that even on the roughest days....
"Well Praise the Lord anyways!" ~LaNelle
and of course...
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Devil is in the Details
"Don't be impatient. Wait for the Lord, and He will come and save you! Be, brave, stouthearted and courageous. Yes, wait and He will help you." Psalms 27:14
I am not a big fan of waiting...and yet, God calls me to wait. And brave? Stouthearted means the same thing as brave, so we are basically instructed to be brave, brave and well, brave.
One of my devotionals this week read:" Come to me in all of your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual. When anxiety attempts to wedge it's way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to my will...the safest place to be is in My will. " (from the book Jesus Calling)
Since the new year has started, I have felt the refining fires burning hot around me and as of late have actually felt as I might just burst into flames. I am thankful that God has made His pursuit of me and reminders of His presence frequent and persistent. Some days it has felt like an epic battle just to get from moment to moment.
You see, besides going through a major surgery with the love of my life and taking care of him in his recovery, after twenty years, I left a habit behind that I have struggled to quit on and off for at least ten years now. Surprisingly, while there are moments when I have cravings, they are manageable. The kicker in the mix is that ironically, when I quit smoking, the rest of my body went haywire. At first, I thought it was nicotine withdrawal, but never remembered having that problem for more than a day or two in the past when I have quit (it takes a few times for many of us reformed smokers to get it right). It's taken me a month to figure out that I am not going crazy, but my hormones are and boy if there is a symptom, I have it. The worst is the anxiety. My mother suffered from anxiety disorder and while I did not inherit it, just the environment I grew up in left some marks. Fortunately, at a young age I learned how to handle anxious moments with cognitive behavioral skills and for the most part have navigated through my adult life utilizing those skills to get me through the rough patches. Prayer has always been a big element as well. However, I can't ever remember feeling this anxious all of the time, from when I wake and even in sleep some nights.
I honestly have to say, I am not sure how my mother made it as far as she did. It is a terrible feeling when you want to crawl out of your skin most of the time and in my case, depression is not far behind. I have not felt this disconnected with myself since I was in my early twenties. It's very disconcerting, but my logical mind knows this is only a season, but my now, moody side is screaming to be done already. But God says "wait." I listened to a sermon recently where the pastor pointed out how God says He will walk through the fire with you, not run, mind you,but walk. Any way we can walk faster Lord? Maybe take it up to a slow jog? Promise you won't let me burst into flames?
And the devil is in the details...he has been certain to take advantage of every weak moment he can and there have been alot of those. Just to add to the refining process, while going through this "adjustment" the routines that I have relied on at home to help me unwind and relax have also, for the most part been removed or changed and don't think the devil is having a field day with all of this.
By grace and God's ever persistent love and patience, I know this season will pass and I am, as my mama taught me, working like it's up to me and praying like it's up to God.
And for anyone who might stumble upon my ramblings of my struggle with leaving behind a bad habit, if you too are trying to slay your dragon, remember, you can do this and it will get better. One foot in front of the other, one breathe at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time. "Yes, wait and He will help you."
I am not a big fan of waiting...and yet, God calls me to wait. And brave? Stouthearted means the same thing as brave, so we are basically instructed to be brave, brave and well, brave.
One of my devotionals this week read:" Come to me in all of your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual. When anxiety attempts to wedge it's way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to my will...the safest place to be is in My will. " (from the book Jesus Calling)
Since the new year has started, I have felt the refining fires burning hot around me and as of late have actually felt as I might just burst into flames. I am thankful that God has made His pursuit of me and reminders of His presence frequent and persistent. Some days it has felt like an epic battle just to get from moment to moment.
You see, besides going through a major surgery with the love of my life and taking care of him in his recovery, after twenty years, I left a habit behind that I have struggled to quit on and off for at least ten years now. Surprisingly, while there are moments when I have cravings, they are manageable. The kicker in the mix is that ironically, when I quit smoking, the rest of my body went haywire. At first, I thought it was nicotine withdrawal, but never remembered having that problem for more than a day or two in the past when I have quit (it takes a few times for many of us reformed smokers to get it right). It's taken me a month to figure out that I am not going crazy, but my hormones are and boy if there is a symptom, I have it. The worst is the anxiety. My mother suffered from anxiety disorder and while I did not inherit it, just the environment I grew up in left some marks. Fortunately, at a young age I learned how to handle anxious moments with cognitive behavioral skills and for the most part have navigated through my adult life utilizing those skills to get me through the rough patches. Prayer has always been a big element as well. However, I can't ever remember feeling this anxious all of the time, from when I wake and even in sleep some nights.
I honestly have to say, I am not sure how my mother made it as far as she did. It is a terrible feeling when you want to crawl out of your skin most of the time and in my case, depression is not far behind. I have not felt this disconnected with myself since I was in my early twenties. It's very disconcerting, but my logical mind knows this is only a season, but my now, moody side is screaming to be done already. But God says "wait." I listened to a sermon recently where the pastor pointed out how God says He will walk through the fire with you, not run, mind you,but walk. Any way we can walk faster Lord? Maybe take it up to a slow jog? Promise you won't let me burst into flames?
And the devil is in the details...he has been certain to take advantage of every weak moment he can and there have been alot of those. Just to add to the refining process, while going through this "adjustment" the routines that I have relied on at home to help me unwind and relax have also, for the most part been removed or changed and don't think the devil is having a field day with all of this.
By grace and God's ever persistent love and patience, I know this season will pass and I am, as my mama taught me, working like it's up to me and praying like it's up to God.
And for anyone who might stumble upon my ramblings of my struggle with leaving behind a bad habit, if you too are trying to slay your dragon, remember, you can do this and it will get better. One foot in front of the other, one breathe at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time. "Yes, wait and He will help you."
Sunday, January 29, 2012
In Weakness
2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
My weakness feels more than I can handle some days as of late. Grateful for such a promise. Can't say I really feel like boasting about how flawed, hopeless and exhausted I feel on days such as today, but know despite how I might feel, God is ever present and His is grace is always enough.
Thank you Jesus for walking beside me and holding me up when weary knocks on my soul and I feel it to my bones. Thank you for my weakness so that your strength may shine forth.
My weakness feels more than I can handle some days as of late. Grateful for such a promise. Can't say I really feel like boasting about how flawed, hopeless and exhausted I feel on days such as today, but know despite how I might feel, God is ever present and His is grace is always enough.
Thank you Jesus for walking beside me and holding me up when weary knocks on my soul and I feel it to my bones. Thank you for my weakness so that your strength may shine forth.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Trusting and holding Him near
It has been a season of trial for my husband and I with his health. For almost two years he has struggled with debilitating back pain and for almost two years we have tried everything short of surgery to find healing. It's been a season where I have embraced getting on my knees more than any other time in my life. To sit and watch helplessly as your soul mate deals with pain day in and day out is a difficult road. To be him, even more difficult. And yet, since the pain started, he has carried himself with such grace to be in so much pain. I admire him for that. I don't know if I could have done the same.
We now prepare for surgery in great hopes that his pain will finally be abated. In our preparation, we also are facing a demon we have both fought for many years now, an unhealthy addiction that we have battled unsuccessfully. We have no choice now if the recovery from the surgery is to be successful. I have spent many years praying over our addiction with good intentions to find a way to overcome and yet, in my own battle, I have continued to fail. In God's great plan, maybe He knew it would take a catalyst such as where we are now, to finally succeed.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed, not having my crutch so close to such an unknown and scary time. I feel overwhelmed trying to be the encourager and support that my husband needs. I feel overwhelmed in the last minute preparations. I feel overwhelmed in the face of losing my husband should something go terribly wrong.
I feel overwhelmed.
A friend of mine gave me a book of daily devotionals for Christmas this year. The timing could not have been better, as I feel it has been a way for God to comfort me in my constant sense of being overwhelmed. One step at a time, one minute at a time..
From the book "Jesus Calling"
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safe you are. Circumstances around your are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the one who will never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me." Phillipians 4:7;Matthew 14:30; Hebrews 12:2
We now prepare for surgery in great hopes that his pain will finally be abated. In our preparation, we also are facing a demon we have both fought for many years now, an unhealthy addiction that we have battled unsuccessfully. We have no choice now if the recovery from the surgery is to be successful. I have spent many years praying over our addiction with good intentions to find a way to overcome and yet, in my own battle, I have continued to fail. In God's great plan, maybe He knew it would take a catalyst such as where we are now, to finally succeed.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed, not having my crutch so close to such an unknown and scary time. I feel overwhelmed trying to be the encourager and support that my husband needs. I feel overwhelmed in the last minute preparations. I feel overwhelmed in the face of losing my husband should something go terribly wrong.
I feel overwhelmed.
A friend of mine gave me a book of daily devotionals for Christmas this year. The timing could not have been better, as I feel it has been a way for God to comfort me in my constant sense of being overwhelmed. One step at a time, one minute at a time..
From the book "Jesus Calling"
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safe you are. Circumstances around your are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the one who will never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me." Phillipians 4:7;Matthew 14:30; Hebrews 12:2
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Heavenly Reminders
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Best Investments
One of the traditions that has been born out of our move to our new house last year has been seasonal gatherings with family and friends. God has blessed us so richly with an amazing home that has ample space and a backyard that beckons all to enjoy. Whether it be on a quiet morning with a cup of tea and my bible or on a Sunday afternoon with a lively houseful with the squeals of excitement from children and the chatter of relaxed adults, it makes my heart so very joyful. I've found myself already planning the menu for the next event mere days after entertaining those that I love and carving out projects that will be valuable to our next gathering. There are days of preparation before each event and while some of those days are long and tiring, the payoff leaves many treasures in my heart that make life in this temporary home so worth the investment. I am rich beyond measure and am especially reminded of that wealth on those days when I am enveloped with the company of those that God has placed in my life. I try to savor each sweet moment, each conversation, and the interactions I watch between those I have brought together through these events. I am in awe of the graciousness of God in blessing me with so many beautiful children that have touched my heart in ways I could have never imagined and how much they can teach me through their innocent and curious and sometimes brutally honest ways. I love that they love coming to my house and that as well as them putting treasures in my memory chest, I have the opportunity to to the same for them. God never ceases to amaze me with the blessing in my life, the love, the relationships, the opportunities to let His love shine through me, and through the home the love of my life and I have been graced with. A home where we always want to have an open door, a good meal, and provision for any and all He calls us to embrace.
It was a wonderful day yesterday, my only regret being that it went too fast. As the last car drove away and all that was left were the remnants of half empty cups, mostly empty plates of food, and pool toys scattered about, I started to clean up. As I rounded the corner to take out the trash, there on the dry erase board that we keep in the hall, I was reminded all the more how important and precious my investment in those that I love is, the best investment ever!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
In the Moment
In the moments of the twilight
I bask beneath the sky
wrapped in winds of warmth
and serenaded by the creatures of the night.
My heart swells with thanksgiving
as I sit and ponder all that He has given me
In life and love.
I am wealthy beyond all measure
simply by His grace
And yet He blesses me even more
with those He has placed in my life.
I bask beneath the sky
wrapped in winds of warmth
and serenaded by the creatures of the night.
My heart swells with thanksgiving
as I sit and ponder all that He has given me
In life and love.
I am wealthy beyond all measure
simply by His grace
And yet He blesses me even more
with those He has placed in my life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Sunrise
"A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. ..."
Psalm 121:1-8Sunday, December 26, 2010
On the Journey
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Eat Pray Love
May God keep me brave and may I never stop seeking the great truths He has to teach me in this life. May my eyes always be wide open and my heart receptive to those teachers He places in my life.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Beauty and Healing
It's been four years since my mother passed away and it has been since Christmas of that year that I have seen my father. It's a been a complicated relationship, but despite that, he's my dad and the bible teaches us to honor our parents.In the past year, I have worked on making more of an effort to call daddy more regularly and follow God's lead on letting go of previous hurts. I had been praying about going to visit my dad, but had not felt God was telling me it was time. Then dad decided to have back surgery, which
turned up the need for open heart surgery! I prayed about going up for the surgery and still didn't feel the Holy Spirit moving. As hard as it was, I waited. It was difficult to be thousands of miles away when I knew what a serious surgery this was going to be, and then when I learned his wife had no one to wait with her, I really wanted to go, but my heart still said "wait." It was during the surgery while his wife and I were texting back and forth that God finally said "now you can go." I wanted to be sure, so I prayed God would speak through my husband and when we discussed it, he was not only supportive, but already had it in his mind that I needed to go. I so love that about my husband, his kindness and desire to help others and the importance of family.
So, the day my dad was released from the hospital, I got on a plane and flew to New York to help him with his recovery.
It proved to be a time of serving, healing and reconnection. Through my experiences of taking care of my grandparents, I've come to learn and respect the need for dignity when you are faced with caring for one who has lost the ability to do for themselves in their normal manner and this was no exception. I was grateful for the insight and truly felt it not only helped me to help daddy but to reinforce and bring to light the lessons God had been teaching me about being a humble servant. Now, that didn't stop me from being the hen that I can be ( grin), Daddy proudly referred to me as his 800lb gorilla who kept him in line. I have to give credit to my husband, who has taught me over the years how important laughter is and that keeping things light can make a difficult situation much more tolerable. This was a tool that I relied on to be helpful in a non confrontational way and it too served me well.
It was a week full of purpose and hard work and in some senses, new beginnings.
It was a bonus blessing that Daddy's and his wife's house was surrounded by the beauty of the landscape and I very much enjoyed the distractions of the views and life that teamed about.
This was the first thing I was greeted with in the morning as I awoke.
And this was the view outside the sun room, where daddy and I spent much time chatting and watching the activity outside of birds, squirrels, chipmunks and deer.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Learning to Exhale
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11
These are verses that have played often in my mind recently as I have struggled with life circumstances as of late. God has a funny way of whittling away at us sometimes that may leave us, well, feeling like nothing more than a nub of wood, raw and exposed to all of the elements in all of our nakedness.
I can't honestly say that I would use the word "delight" in dealing with my weakness, but on the other hand, I know that while I don't like where I am right now, both physically or emotionally, that God has a purpose and a plan in the journey that I am taking. He has in effect, uprooted me from so much that is familiar and comfortable that once again I am forced to rely not on my own strength but His and His alone. From one who loves to be in control ( or at least think I am), the lessons of where my strength must remain can feel painfully harsh, and yet my heart knows it is out of His love that I must walk through the discomfort to receive the blessing that He has planned for me. He is not a God of mediocrity and He knows that in my haste to find some sort of peace I will settle. My mind knows that He will never allow me more than I can handle and yet in the last several weeks I have found myself yelling at God at the top of my lungs that I just can't take anymore. It feels as though it has been a constant push now for 5 years and just when I think the storms will calm, there is still more to come.
And yet.....
there is a still small voice somewhere in the recesses of my mind that tells me that these growing pains I am going through now are necessary to usher me into the next chapter, whatever that may be. So, by His grace alone, may I find my way along the path, remembering that He is always by my side and that it's okay to let it all out to Him, the weariness, the sadness, the uncertainty, the discomfort and even the reluctance to trust what He is doing; to remember that He can handle all of my doubts and fears.
For when I am weak, He is strong
and I can stop holding my breath
and learn once again to exhale.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Maybe" part 1
This was the song playing on the radio as my husband drove home on a night that further signified the closing of a chapter of our lives and the opening of a new one.
It's funny how fast life can change. For the last five years, I have played the role of care giver, first to my mother and then to my grandparents. It has been a labor of love, one that I would not change for the world. Only a mere week before the 4th anniversary of my mother's death, my grandmother, my memaw, finally went home to meet her Creator and join the family that had gone on before her. Her quality of life had been poor for too long and as much as I knew I would miss her, I wanted her to be free of the frail frame that housed a now weary mind that was trapped in a fog of confusion. It was a difficult death. It broke my heart that her last hours on this earth were so labored and yet despite that, she was surrounded by all of her grandchildren and there was an overpowering flood of love that filled the room. It was almost as though it was memaw's last gift to her legacy, to bring all of her grandchildren together to embrace what was so important to her, family. It's a unique situation, seeing a loved one off to heaven, one that for us, strengthened our family bond and brought us all closer together. It was not until I was writing and processing the events of the last weeks, that I even realized the gift that she gave us on her heavenly birthday. God is good, my baby girl is home and I have started to realize that a chapter of my life is ending that may leave me a bit lost for a spell. But it also leaves me wondering what great adventures God has for me next. While I have to be honest and say I hope things are a bit calmer in the next chapter, I know that whatever He has in store can be nothing less than great. I am so very grateful for the opportunities that God has given me to learn and grow in so many ways these last several years and how abundantly He has blessed me in ways I could have never imagined.
It's funny how fast life can change. For the last five years, I have played the role of care giver, first to my mother and then to my grandparents. It has been a labor of love, one that I would not change for the world. Only a mere week before the 4th anniversary of my mother's death, my grandmother, my memaw, finally went home to meet her Creator and join the family that had gone on before her. Her quality of life had been poor for too long and as much as I knew I would miss her, I wanted her to be free of the frail frame that housed a now weary mind that was trapped in a fog of confusion. It was a difficult death. It broke my heart that her last hours on this earth were so labored and yet despite that, she was surrounded by all of her grandchildren and there was an overpowering flood of love that filled the room. It was almost as though it was memaw's last gift to her legacy, to bring all of her grandchildren together to embrace what was so important to her, family. It's a unique situation, seeing a loved one off to heaven, one that for us, strengthened our family bond and brought us all closer together. It was not until I was writing and processing the events of the last weeks, that I even realized the gift that she gave us on her heavenly birthday. God is good, my baby girl is home and I have started to realize that a chapter of my life is ending that may leave me a bit lost for a spell. But it also leaves me wondering what great adventures God has for me next. While I have to be honest and say I hope things are a bit calmer in the next chapter, I know that whatever He has in store can be nothing less than great. I am so very grateful for the opportunities that God has given me to learn and grow in so many ways these last several years and how abundantly He has blessed me in ways I could have never imagined.
Monday, March 8, 2010
In the Garden
As we get ready to embark on a new adventure, selling this house and moving to another, I find myself already missing my garden here and yet looking forward to a clean palate.
I love that when I came to the house, there was nothing but grass and trees. I got to create my own oasis and loved every minute of it.
I love that a once barren yard now blooms throughout the seasons and is vibrant with life. The Mr. and Mrs. ( a pair of cardinals that have been coming to our yard for four years now!) love to collect nest materials and poke about the plants while the geckos scurry about. The purple martins have made our yard a hang out spot the last two years and the hummingbird we have fondly named Homer has been visiting the last three years. We have toads and worms and even some small garden snakes. I will miss our majestic bald cypress and the way it sounds when the rain falls through the leaves on a summer afternoon and I will miss sitting at my mother's old patio table overlooking my creation as I speak with our creator.
What better place to explore the old pictures and the development than here. Join me will you on my path through the garden?
I love that when I came to the house, there was nothing but grass and trees. I got to create my own oasis and loved every minute of it.
I love that a once barren yard now blooms throughout the seasons and is vibrant with life. The Mr. and Mrs. ( a pair of cardinals that have been coming to our yard for four years now!) love to collect nest materials and poke about the plants while the geckos scurry about. The purple martins have made our yard a hang out spot the last two years and the hummingbird we have fondly named Homer has been visiting the last three years. We have toads and worms and even some small garden snakes. I will miss our majestic bald cypress and the way it sounds when the rain falls through the leaves on a summer afternoon and I will miss sitting at my mother's old patio table overlooking my creation as I speak with our creator.
What better place to explore the old pictures and the development than here. Join me will you on my path through the garden?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Micah 6:8
"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly
and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
The mission statement of an amazing lady that graced this earth for 103 years.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly
and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
The mission statement of an amazing lady that graced this earth for 103 years.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Being Still with a side of Joy
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy. ~ Philippians 1:2-3
As the leaves on the trees have faded from bright green to shades of amber, red and gold, and more recently begun their decent to rest upon the ground, I find myself once again wondering how in the world another year has flown by. The bustle of the Christmas season is in full swing and I find myself busy scheduling special time with loved ones, decorating, baking, shopping and all of the sundry pre-holiday activities. It is in the midst of the busy holiday season, that I especially cherish the moments of being still. The moments that give me pause to embrace all that God has blessed me with.
It's a cold and cloudy afternoon and I am sitting on the couch in the quiet of my living room, surrounded by nothing more that the illumination of Christmas lights and the sounds of content snores of my dogs nearby. I adore these moments.
I love the holiday season. I love celebrating the birth of Christ and I especially love going to church during the advent season. I love the music and I love that people are so generous this time of year. I treasure that it is a season of gratitude and good will.
While each year has it's moments of sadness and trial, it also finds my cup abundantly overflowing. In the very essence of life, I am rich. Not monetarily, but in the ways that count the most, for the wisdom of the Lord reminds us;
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~ Matthew 6:19-20
My heart is overflowing with love for a husband that has found and shared with me a more intimate relationship with God. A husband who I love more every day and has finally found a career that challenges and fulfills him. A husband who continues to bring a smile to my soul and completes me in ways I could have never imagined.
My heart swells with love and adoration for the children that grace my life. While I have never been called to have children of my own, God has been so very gracious in allowing me to be involved with and share in so many sweet moments with each child in their own unique ways. My life would be so very incomplete without these precious relationships.
My heart dances with joy that my life has been deeply enriched with the companionship of some extraordinary women, each connection endeared to my spirit.
Then, of course there is family. A heart connection that draws deep and wide. A connection that can sometimes present challenges, but none the less, brings to my heart and mind a sense of deep loyalty and a desire to always embrace all that family can give. A love that comes from my very beginnings.
There are so many other ways my heart sings in gratitude and as the season continues so will my mantra of praise for all that makes me wealthy.
May we all remember in this season of celebration that the most joyous of all moments to lament upon is the great gift of life that God himself chose to experience with us here on this earth.
As the leaves on the trees have faded from bright green to shades of amber, red and gold, and more recently begun their decent to rest upon the ground, I find myself once again wondering how in the world another year has flown by. The bustle of the Christmas season is in full swing and I find myself busy scheduling special time with loved ones, decorating, baking, shopping and all of the sundry pre-holiday activities. It is in the midst of the busy holiday season, that I especially cherish the moments of being still. The moments that give me pause to embrace all that God has blessed me with.
It's a cold and cloudy afternoon and I am sitting on the couch in the quiet of my living room, surrounded by nothing more that the illumination of Christmas lights and the sounds of content snores of my dogs nearby. I adore these moments.
I love the holiday season. I love celebrating the birth of Christ and I especially love going to church during the advent season. I love the music and I love that people are so generous this time of year. I treasure that it is a season of gratitude and good will.
While each year has it's moments of sadness and trial, it also finds my cup abundantly overflowing. In the very essence of life, I am rich. Not monetarily, but in the ways that count the most, for the wisdom of the Lord reminds us;
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~ Matthew 6:19-20
My heart is overflowing with love for a husband that has found and shared with me a more intimate relationship with God. A husband who I love more every day and has finally found a career that challenges and fulfills him. A husband who continues to bring a smile to my soul and completes me in ways I could have never imagined.
My heart swells with love and adoration for the children that grace my life. While I have never been called to have children of my own, God has been so very gracious in allowing me to be involved with and share in so many sweet moments with each child in their own unique ways. My life would be so very incomplete without these precious relationships.
My heart dances with joy that my life has been deeply enriched with the companionship of some extraordinary women, each connection endeared to my spirit.
Then, of course there is family. A heart connection that draws deep and wide. A connection that can sometimes present challenges, but none the less, brings to my heart and mind a sense of deep loyalty and a desire to always embrace all that family can give. A love that comes from my very beginnings.
There are so many other ways my heart sings in gratitude and as the season continues so will my mantra of praise for all that makes me wealthy.
May we all remember in this season of celebration that the most joyous of all moments to lament upon is the great gift of life that God himself chose to experience with us here on this earth.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Chapter No One Wants to Finish
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. " - John 14:27
In the ebb and flow of life, the past several years have found me confronting the immeasurable importance of family and the influence that each familial relationship has contributed to my own growth and potential in this world.
Loss has been a preponderant catalyst. In four years, the core of my family, the adults that have been in my life, all of my life, that are responsible for raising me and guiding me are all but gone.
It has made my heart heavy and sad, and yet as my mother taught me from a young age, death and change are an inherent aspect of life. It can make you stronger, wiser and proves the resiliency that God has blessed us with.
My father, while still alive, walked away from our family four years ago and as of today, it has been almost two years since I have seen him face to face. There is still a relationship there, but he remains distant and non committal. While I still love him and have forgiven him, his deceptions have left me in a place where I can no longer trust nor respect him. The feelings of betrayal and pain that accompany that relationship are a always in the back of my mind. The man I thought he was and the man that I have discovered he is are two different people and the grief that accompanies that discovery is much the same as mourning a physical death.
Almost a year later, the Lord called my mother home. To this very moment, I can recall every detail of the night that I got the call from my brother. My already broken heart shattered and yet, I was grateful that she no longer suffered. So much of her life was a struggle and a battle to find peace and at long last she had found it.
The devastation that my grandparents felt, loosing a child was overwhelming and her loss marked the beginning of their own decline. It was in the months following her death that I was to step into the role of caregiver and in many ways, parent as they reverted back to a more simple and dependent frame of existence.
A year and a half after the loss of my mother, my renewed relationship with my uncle came to a sudden halt when he too, went Home to be with our maker.
Now, my grandparents had not only lost their daughter, but their son as well. For a parent to outlive his or her child is unfathomable , to outlive both of them must be unbearable. They were devastated and yet continued on living their life as best they could in the best way that they knew how. Their decline continued and more and more health problems surfaced as well as early stages of dementia in both of them. We had reached a point where they were no longer able to live in their own house safely, so they faced yet another momentous task in leaving the place they knew as home for 47 years and moved into assisted living.
Seven months after moving, my grandfather's health took a turn that he would not recover from. It was a slow and difficult journey as he went from hospital to long term care, finally to home where hospice would help me care for him in his final days. His last several hours were particularly difficult as I helplessly watched the pneumonia take his final breath, but I will forever be grateful that I was able to be by his side in his last moments.
My grandmother's dementia is now nearing the final stages as the years and trials have gotten to be too much for her. I have moved her one final time to a home where she can be cared for by loving people that can manage her needs and keep her comfortable. I visit several times every week and have come to cherish her good days, as the bad days are happening more and more often. Some days I am my mother and other days she sees me as Erin. I've learned to embrace whatever it is she sees because in her mind, it is what is most comforting for her. We talk about boyfriends and trips to the moon as I feed her lunch. She still has moments of fiesty and I love those moments. She was once so sharp and witty and at times, mean, but she loved me and there was nothing she would not do for me. Her mind is all jumbled and her body frail and her time here on this earth limited.
While the journey has not been easy, I am thankful for the opportunities and the blessings that have accompanied me.
My walk with God has become far more intimate and more connected that I could have ever imagined. I have become more in tune with the still small voice that guides me in the day to day challenges of life and He has taught me how to live more in the moment.
My marriage has grown stronger and deeper and I have so much gratitude for a supportive husband who, with all of the hours I spent away from home, still found ways to make me laugh and get me to relax when I had the chance.
My brother and I are as close as we have ever been and our bond only strengthened with the trials we have dealt with together.
I have reconnected with my cousins and developed a close relationship especially with my cousin Liz.
I have had the great honor of being caregiver and comforter to my mother and my grandparents.
I have found comfort and strength in relationships I would have never imagined.
I am still awed and amazed at so many moments of joy that have been mixed in with the moments of sorrow as I continue to reflect and learn from the path my life has taken me on.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Casting Pearls and praying for swine
"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. " Matthew 7:6
A brief understanding of this passage is explained on biblegateway.com as such:
"The famous saying about "pearls before swine" has its origins in this passage; Jesus tells his followers not to waste spiritual resources on people who will never understand or appreciate them."
It's funny sometimes how God chooses to elicit a more "hands on" approach to understanding the words that he shares with us in His great book, and this experience was certainly one of those moments.
For some reason, I never quite understood the context of this verse and while it seems pretty straightforward, I none-the-less have often stumbled over the verse and just kept reading oblivious to the underlying depth.
Pastor Billy was my connection to clarity in a situation that had provoked both my desire to help someone in a desperate situation and my fear of getting into something far greater than I could handle. While I had only met him a few times before, I felt completely comfortable with him as well as his assistant. I am not one for small talk when something is on my heart and I wasted no time in explaining the situation I found myself in and that I needed to discern what it was that God wanted me to do. I also explained the sense of foreboding that my husband felt as the story of the family unfolded and that this very family had been members of his congregation as well. At that point, he asked me if his assistant could join our meeting, as she knows everything about everyone and would be able to give me the history of this family that I knew so little about.
I learned that their problems had a deep and rich history of abuse, greed, debauchery and a myriad of other dysfunctions. I learned that people before me had tried to help and that ultimately the only thing that changed was the people/person who were trying to help them.
Billy was quick to emphasize that I should heed my husbands instincts. Not only was I reminded that my husband is the head of the household, but that God had used him as an avenue to give me pause before I charged forward in my attempts to do what I thought God was calling me to do. That was the moment when I was reminded that yielding to God is is just as important as serving Him. Actually, more important. How can I serve His kingdom best if I am pursuing my own agenda of what I think God wants when He sees the whole picture and KNOWS what He wants.
Billy shared with me many more words of wisdom before we prayed and parted ways, and as I walked out of the church, I felt both sad and relieved at the same time. I wanted to save this woman from the chains that life had wrapped around her, but also had to reconcile with the reality that while her circumstances were dire, her own choices played a large part of where she was in life.
Later that evening, my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about my meeting and what our next move should be. We decided that we would go her house together to collect the money she owed me and leave with her the information she needed should she want to make a change. It allowed us to still help her and yet not enable her.
Roughly six weeks later, I sit here and reflect upon that journey, knowing that most likely nothing in her life has changed. The air conditioner that I bought her was either stolen or sold not even a week after I delivered it. I have fully removed myself from the situation except in prayer. I am never sure what to pray for them, but I ask the holy spirit daily to intercede on my behalf.
Hearts can always be unhardened, miracles can happen and fundamentally prayer is where great seeds can be sown. So, while I have intimately learned that I must not cast pearls before swine, I have also been reminded that the gift of prayer is always mine to give.
A brief understanding of this passage is explained on biblegateway.com as such:
"The famous saying about "pearls before swine" has its origins in this passage; Jesus tells his followers not to waste spiritual resources on people who will never understand or appreciate them."
It's funny sometimes how God chooses to elicit a more "hands on" approach to understanding the words that he shares with us in His great book, and this experience was certainly one of those moments.
For some reason, I never quite understood the context of this verse and while it seems pretty straightforward, I none-the-less have often stumbled over the verse and just kept reading oblivious to the underlying depth.
Pastor Billy was my connection to clarity in a situation that had provoked both my desire to help someone in a desperate situation and my fear of getting into something far greater than I could handle. While I had only met him a few times before, I felt completely comfortable with him as well as his assistant. I am not one for small talk when something is on my heart and I wasted no time in explaining the situation I found myself in and that I needed to discern what it was that God wanted me to do. I also explained the sense of foreboding that my husband felt as the story of the family unfolded and that this very family had been members of his congregation as well. At that point, he asked me if his assistant could join our meeting, as she knows everything about everyone and would be able to give me the history of this family that I knew so little about.
I learned that their problems had a deep and rich history of abuse, greed, debauchery and a myriad of other dysfunctions. I learned that people before me had tried to help and that ultimately the only thing that changed was the people/person who were trying to help them.
Billy was quick to emphasize that I should heed my husbands instincts. Not only was I reminded that my husband is the head of the household, but that God had used him as an avenue to give me pause before I charged forward in my attempts to do what I thought God was calling me to do. That was the moment when I was reminded that yielding to God is is just as important as serving Him. Actually, more important. How can I serve His kingdom best if I am pursuing my own agenda of what I think God wants when He sees the whole picture and KNOWS what He wants.
Billy shared with me many more words of wisdom before we prayed and parted ways, and as I walked out of the church, I felt both sad and relieved at the same time. I wanted to save this woman from the chains that life had wrapped around her, but also had to reconcile with the reality that while her circumstances were dire, her own choices played a large part of where she was in life.
Later that evening, my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about my meeting and what our next move should be. We decided that we would go her house together to collect the money she owed me and leave with her the information she needed should she want to make a change. It allowed us to still help her and yet not enable her.
Roughly six weeks later, I sit here and reflect upon that journey, knowing that most likely nothing in her life has changed. The air conditioner that I bought her was either stolen or sold not even a week after I delivered it. I have fully removed myself from the situation except in prayer. I am never sure what to pray for them, but I ask the holy spirit daily to intercede on my behalf.
Hearts can always be unhardened, miracles can happen and fundamentally prayer is where great seeds can be sown. So, while I have intimately learned that I must not cast pearls before swine, I have also been reminded that the gift of prayer is always mine to give.
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