Sunday, November 18, 2012

Letting Go

of circumstances I cannot control, of people I cannot change and of emotions that tie me to a sense of feeling helpless.  This is what I strive for.
As I grapple with grief once again and I fight the simultaneous feelings of betrayal and worry, I somehow can still feel the strong under currant of peace in knowing that God is sovereign. I have been reminded of that over and over as of late in my morning devotionals as I think He has been preparing my heart to once and for all, cut ties in a relationship that I have spent my life trying keep a grasp on.
What child does not want to honor their parents? Make them proud, gain their approval? I am reminded in my heart of hearts as I write this, that my need to please others ( at least in some part) most likely comes from the desire to gain the attention of my earthly father. Alas, while I know somewhere in his heart he loves me and my brother, as long as I can remember, he has invested his time and energy in other pursuits and has chosen a path of ultimate destruction in regards to a relationship with his children. 
My heart grieves for a life he could have know, had he chosen differently. Alas, I fear his heart is hard. The path he has taken has involved making the same mistakes over and over. There was a part of me that held onto the hope that, in his older years he had changed, that his heart had finally softened. It can be a blessing and a curse to always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
God has blessed me with a forgiving heart and time and again, I have forgiven him and given him a second chance, wanting to be obedient to my heavenly Father, as He teaches us the importance of forgiveness for the sake of our own hearts. I am grateful for that as there have been some great atrocities that I have had to forgive, reminding myself that my God is a just God. And yet, I have recently been reminded through scripture that I can forgive, I can love and I can pray, but I don't have to be a part of a relationship that embraces destruction.
" Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient.  Therefore do not be partners with them.  For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light  (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)  and find out what pleases the Lord.  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. " Ephesians 5:6-11

I am grateful for a place to come and write. I have often found that through taking the time to write has given me the opportunity to thoughtfully contemplate whatever it is on my heart and in the process, find a deeper connection with my heavenly Father.  A Father who loves me unconditionally, who is always there for me and wants to bless me abundantly, even in the trials of life. A Father who knows every hair on my head, every tear that I have shed, and every thought that has ever crossed my mind. A Father who loves me in my weakness and who gives me my strength. 

A  heavenly Father who knows that my longing for an earthly Father that does not pursue evil will continue to be my prayer and hope.

1 comment:

  1. "Lord, reveal to me Your divine purpose in this. Let me see it as You do. Give me Your divine understanding. Open my eyes, and help me to receive Your revelations and stay on track."

    A reminder to myself as I strive to be obedient.

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