Sunday, January 15, 2012

Trusting and holding Him near

It has been a season of trial for my husband and I with his health. For almost two years he has struggled with debilitating back pain and for almost two years we have tried everything short of surgery to find healing. It's been a season where I have embraced getting on my knees more than any other time in my life. To sit and watch helplessly as your soul mate deals with pain day in and day out is a difficult road. To be him, even more difficult. And yet, since the pain started, he has carried himself with such grace to be in so much pain. I admire him for that. I don't know if I could have done the same.
We now prepare for surgery in great hopes that his pain will finally be abated. In our preparation, we also are facing a demon we have both fought for many years now, an unhealthy addiction that we have battled unsuccessfully. We have no choice now if the recovery from the surgery is to be successful. I have spent many years praying over our addiction with good intentions to find a way to overcome and yet, in my own battle, I have continued to fail. In God's great plan, maybe He knew it would take a catalyst such as where we are now, to finally succeed.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed, not having my crutch so close to such an unknown and scary time. I feel overwhelmed trying to be the encourager and support that my husband needs. I feel overwhelmed in the last minute preparations. I feel overwhelmed in the face of losing my husband should something go terribly wrong.
I feel overwhelmed.
A friend of mine gave me a book of daily devotionals for Christmas this year. The timing could not have been better, as I feel it has been a way for God to comfort me in my constant sense of being overwhelmed. One step at a time, one minute at a time..
From the book "Jesus Calling"
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safe you are. Circumstances around your are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the one who will never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me." Phillipians 4:7;Matthew 14:30; Hebrews 12:2

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