The Chapter No One Wants to Finish

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. " - John 14:27

In the ebb and flow of life, the past several years have found me confronting the immeasurable importance of family and the influence that each familial relationship has contributed to my own growth and potential in this world.
Loss has been a preponderant catalyst. In four years, the core of my family, the adults that have been in my life, all of my life, that are responsible for raising me and guiding me are all but gone.
It has made my heart heavy and sad, and yet as my mother taught me from a young age, death and change are an inherent aspect of life. It can make you stronger, wiser and proves the resiliency that God has blessed us with.
My father, while still alive, walked away from our family four years ago and as of today, it has been almost two years since I have seen him face to face. There is still a relationship there, but he remains distant and non committal. While I still love him and have forgiven him, his deceptions have left me in a place where I can no longer trust nor respect him. The feelings of betrayal and pain that accompany that relationship are a always in the back of my mind. The man I thought he was and the man that I have discovered he is are two different people and the grief that accompanies that discovery is much the same as mourning a physical death.
Almost a year later, the Lord called my mother home. To this very moment, I can recall every detail of the night that I got the call from my brother. My already broken heart shattered and yet, I was grateful that she no longer suffered. So much of her life was a struggle and a battle to find peace and at long last she had found it.
The devastation that my grandparents felt, loosing a child was overwhelming and her loss marked the beginning of their own decline. It was in the months following her death that I was to step into the role of caregiver and in many ways, parent as they reverted back to a more simple and dependent frame of existence.
A year and a half after the loss of my mother, my renewed relationship with my uncle came to a sudden halt when he too, went Home to be with our maker.
Now, my grandparents had not only lost their daughter, but their son as well. For a parent to outlive his or her child is unfathomable , to outlive both of them must be unbearable. They were devastated and yet continued on living their life as best they could in the best way that they knew how. Their decline continued and more and more health problems surfaced as well as early stages of dementia in both of them. We had reached a point where they were no longer able to live in their own house safely, so they faced yet another momentous task in leaving the place they knew as home for 47 years and moved into assisted living.
Seven months after moving, my grandfather's health took a turn that he would not recover from. It was a slow and difficult journey as he went from hospital to long term care, finally to home where hospice would help me care for him in his final days. His last several hours were particularly difficult as I helplessly watched the pneumonia take his final breath, but I will forever be grateful that I was able to be by his side in his last moments.
My grandmother's dementia is now nearing the final stages as the years and trials have gotten to be too much for her. I have moved her one final time to a home where she can be cared for by loving people that can manage her needs and keep her comfortable. I visit several times every week and have come to cherish her good days, as the bad days are happening more and more often. Some days I am my mother and other days she sees me as Erin. I've learned to embrace whatever it is she sees because in her mind, it is what is most comforting for her. We talk about boyfriends and trips to the moon as I feed her lunch. She still has moments of fiesty and I love those moments. She was once so sharp and witty and at times, mean, but she loved me and there was nothing she would not do for me. Her mind is all jumbled and her body frail and her time here on this earth limited.
While the journey has not been easy, I am thankful for the opportunities and the blessings that have accompanied me.
My walk with God has become far more intimate and more connected that I could have ever imagined. I have become more in tune with the still small voice that guides me in the day to day challenges of life and He has taught me how to live more in the moment.
My marriage has grown stronger and deeper and I have so much gratitude for a supportive husband who, with all of the hours I spent away from home, still found ways to make me laugh and get me to relax when I had the chance.
My brother and I are as close as we have ever been and our bond only strengthened with the trials we have dealt with together.
I have reconnected with my cousins and developed a close relationship especially with my cousin Liz.
I have had the great honor of being caregiver and comforter to my mother and my grandparents.
I have found comfort and strength in relationships I would have never imagined.
I am still awed and amazed at so many moments of joy that have been mixed in with the moments of sorrow as I continue to reflect and learn from the path my life has taken me on.

Casting Pearls and praying for swine

"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. " Matthew 7:6

A brief understanding of this passage is explained on biblegateway.com as such:

"The famous saying about "pearls before swine" has its origins in this passage; Jesus tells his followers not to waste spiritual resources on people who will never understand or appreciate them."

It's funny sometimes how God chooses to elicit a more "hands on" approach to understanding the words that he shares with us in His great book, and this experience was certainly one of those moments.
For some reason, I never quite understood the context of this verse and while it seems pretty straightforward, I none-the-less have often stumbled over the verse and just kept reading oblivious to the underlying depth.
Pastor Billy was my connection to clarity in a situation that had provoked both my desire to help someone in a desperate situation and my fear of getting into something far greater than I could handle. While I had only met him a few times before, I felt completely comfortable with him as well as his assistant. I am not one for small talk when something is on my heart and I wasted no time in explaining the situation I found myself in and that I needed to discern what it was that God wanted me to do. I also explained the sense of foreboding that my husband felt as the story of the family unfolded and that this very family had been members of his congregation as well. At that point, he asked me if his assistant could join our meeting, as she knows everything about everyone and would be able to give me the history of this family that I knew so little about.
I learned that their problems had a deep and rich history of abuse, greed, debauchery and a myriad of other dysfunctions. I learned that people before me had tried to help and that ultimately the only thing that changed was the people/person who were trying to help them.
Billy was quick to emphasize that I should heed my husbands instincts. Not only was I reminded that my husband is the head of the household, but that God had used him as an avenue to give me pause before I charged forward in my attempts to do what I thought God was calling me to do. That was the moment when I was reminded that yielding to God is is just as important as serving Him. Actually, more important. How can I serve His kingdom best if I am pursuing my own agenda of what I think God wants when He sees the whole picture and KNOWS what He wants.
Billy shared with me many more words of wisdom before we prayed and parted ways, and as I walked out of the church, I felt both sad and relieved at the same time. I wanted to save this woman from the chains that life had wrapped around her, but also had to reconcile with the reality that while her circumstances were dire, her own choices played a large part of where she was in life.
Later that evening, my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about my meeting and what our next move should be. We decided that we would go her house together to collect the money she owed me and leave with her the information she needed should she want to make a change. It allowed us to still help her and yet not enable her.
Roughly six weeks later, I sit here and reflect upon that journey, knowing that most likely nothing in her life has changed. The air conditioner that I bought her was either stolen or sold not even a week after I delivered it. I have fully removed myself from the situation except in prayer. I am never sure what to pray for them, but I ask the holy spirit daily to intercede on my behalf.
Hearts can always be unhardened, miracles can happen and fundamentally prayer is where great seeds can be sown. So, while I have intimately learned that I must not cast pearls before swine, I have also been reminded that the gift of prayer is always mine to give.

Enemy Territory

Proceeding my statement of intent to help, I had learned of terrible things that had gone on there and I again felt my heart breaking. I left with my mind racing, trying to figure out how I could get her out of that situation. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I realized that I was getting in way over my head. I could not understand why none of her six children were not helping her out and I felt driven to do what I could to save her.
My sweet husband has been so supportive of my many passionate endeavors and this situation was no different. When I came home telling of her dire situation, he not only supported me getting her an air conditioner, but suggested getting two. I love the generosity of his heart.
However, as the story of this family member and her surrounding relatives ( of whom I do not know) unfolded, I think I started to become aware of the real danger that accompanied this mission. My husband felt it as well and was overcome with a sense of deep foreboding. That stopped me in my tracks and lead me to pray for the direction to move in next. The name of the pastor at my grandparents church kept coming to mind, so I decided to make an appointment with him.
As I drove to my meeting the following morning, I asked God for absolute clarity and discernment. I wanted to help her, but was feeling very uneasy.

On Safari in the Devil's Triangle

I recently stumbled into a spiritual briar patch and found myself having to lean on the discernment of God's will in an unexpected way. I know, sounds a bit convoluted at the moment but let me set the stage for you.
About a week ago, an extended family member that I had recently seen at my grandfather's funeral, called me to borrow money. She had occasionally borrowed from my gramps and was always good about paying it back. I had observed that she did not ask often ( at least in the last year and a half), so, being the softy that I am when it comes to helping people out, lent her the money. At the time, she did not have a car, so since her house was not too far out of the way, I took it to her. I was completely taken aback when I arrived at her house. It was 2 houses behind a crack house in a neighborhood that is known as the devil's triangle. There was stuff everywhere, bugs scuttering about in the background and the air was thick with heat. She had no air conditioning. My heart sank. This was no way for anyone to live, let alone a sixty something woman with brain cancer. I felt as though a burning bush had just ignited right in front of my eyes.
The visit was short, but nice, she promised to pay me back in a week. Once in the car, I immediately started trying to figure out the logistics on how to get her air condtioning and proceeded in the next few days to score a great portable unit for $200 less that the advertised price, thanks to a very nice Home Depot manager. I delivered it, giddy as a schoolgirl, happy that I could bring her at least some comfort. We visited again and I learned more about the dangers of living there and heard myself saying I wanted to help her get out of that situation.

The Art of Moving a Grandmother

As the month has marched on after the passing of my grandfather, my focus has been forced to turn to the financial affairs and well being of my grandmother. When we brought my grandfather home on hospice last month, it became apparent very quickly that I would need somebody to stay in their apartment with them throughout the night. I also learned very quickly that hiring a caregiver to stay with a loved oldie is not cheap.
My grandmother has been in a steady decline for the last several years and battles with dementia, anxiety, sundowning and depression. Add on confusion, aggressive tendencies and at times utter meanness, and you have a recipe for someone who can not safely stay alone, much less take care of themselves. Up until my grandfathers health started to turn in January, he had looked out for her and taken care of her when the help at the assisted living was unavailable and honestly, I believe that the toll of that role on him led to his ultimate demise.
Fast forward to now where I am continuing to pay caregivers to stay with her at night because her sundowing and dementia have worsened in his absense and many nights she does not sleep at all . Their already small bankroll to keep them going until they leave this world is quickly drying up and I have had to make some pretty tough decisions about how to proceed.
By the grace of God, I was put in contact with an associate that I got to know when my grandparents moved into their current assisted living and he now has his own assisted living group home. The max capcity is 8, maybe 1o residents, there is one on one care for all, homecooked meals and it's a beautiful house. The cost is much better than what I am having to pay now and will certainly allow us to keep her out of a medicaid nursing home for much longer than if she stayed in her current residence. Actually, if she stayed put, we would be out of money in 5 months. Scarey. I love the home that I have found for her and think after a period of adjustment, she will do well there, but boy! In the meantime I've had to put on my "tough" face and deal with her malicious words and hateful attitude towards me. Kinda reminds me of when mom used to try and rattle my cage. I can handle it most of the time, but occasionally, she can find one of my buttons and push it. Today she succeeded. As I tried to explain to her
that she was running out of money and the reason for the move, she venemously told me that her money was probably gone because I had been spending it on myself. OUCH, that was below the belt and honestly really hurt. I've spent so many hours of my time, miles on my car, time away from my own life and career to take care of them/her that she almost got a reaction out of me. It was one of those moments where I really had to take a breath to take the high road but not before I almost let her engage me in an argument. However, good counseling( and that proverbs that addresess holding the tongue) kicked in and I simply told her"I'm done talking to you now." Had to walk away because she wanted nothing more than an argument at that point. The move should be intersting but I think I have set everything up to be as stress free as possible. Monday is the big day and with help from the cousins and the brother, hopefully all will go well.
I've continued to pray for clarity regarding this change and God just sent me another sign this morning. A caregiver that works at her current assisted living ( that my grandmother really likes) is coming to work at the house where I am moving her and will be there when we move Monday. I love that He knows my heart so well that He finds ways to assure me when I am unsure of that the path I have chosen is the path he intended.
So goes another day, another adventure in the wild, wild kingdom.

My special Angel

Mama has been on my mind much recently....
I often love to go back and read one of the many treasures she left behind for me. She was always so gifted with words and I cherish every letter, every card, every poem, every journal entry and every email. This was the last correspondence I would have with mama....written and sent to me mere hours before she would depart from this world.

Hi Baby,
It
really is important to live
each day as if it were a present from God.  That is what it is.  I'm sicker,
can't understand it.  I guess
the last year really did serious damage.  But I will rebound, and be
stronger for it.  I learned a lot,
which perhaps helps me to help others.
I pray that God will give you strength to do what you have to do.  God does
not test us, but allows
us to live in a world of evil.  Each test makes us stronger.  The book of
James talks of this, also
Isaiah  43:2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and
through the rivers,
they shall not overflow thee:...God is always with us. Whatever we do in
life, we are never alone.
Love you, pray for you, ask God to hold safe and show the way.  Be strong,
you are one of his
angels, sent to help others.

Much love,  MOM

"God not only sends special angels into our lives, but sometimes He even sends them back again if we forget to take notes the first time! " - Eileen Elias Freeman

Dear Mama,

It was three years ago tonight that you were crowned with your heavenly birthday and my world changed forever.
That night as we raced up to the hospital and Kevin called me with the news that you were no longer with us in this world, I remember like it was yesterday the wailing that erupted from me as my heart broke. The woman that brought me into this world, who has loved me every second of my life was gone from my earthly grasp.
I miss you mama.
I remember oh so clearly the last time I saw you. We were standing on the front walkway of your house and I was hugging you goodbye as you awaited daddy's long anticipated arrival home. We were both apprehensive about his arrival, and I remember we held onto each other for an extra long time as we hugged. I was determined to support you despite my own doubts and misgivings about daddy's homecoming. I remember we lingered there. I go back to that moment so many times in my mind when I miss you. I can almost feel your arms around me when I close my eyes.
It was the longest we had gone in a very long time without seeing each other. Two weeks. I know, we talked every day, many times multiple times, but I never saw you alive again after daddy came home.
I never got to take you to your Mother's Day tea. I know, you had a lot of days you were not feeling well, but I really wanted to take you. I suppose we can put that on the calendar when I come home.
Kevin and I have started a lovely tradition though. I know you would like it. Every year we go back out to where our family shared some of our most precious moments and we visit you on the hillside where we scattered your ashes.



I always pick the wildflowers that are blooming along the hike there and leave them for you under your tree.


We reminisce about all the many things that made you special and count our blessings knowing that God called you home at just the perfect time. We talk about how we miss you. We daydream about a time when we could buy WindDreamer back again. We never cease to be amazed at how serene and beautiful the land is where we laid you to rest. We then head back into town to eat at one of our favorite stops where we often frequented as a family. We enjoy the conversation and closeness that we have always shared.
Mama, you would be proud. We do a good job of looking out for each other and being there for each other.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. No day where I don't miss you.
But I know, I will see you again someday and I know you still pop in from time to time to let me know that you are still looking over me from heaven.
Today, we celebrated your life, the love that you poured over us, the lessons you have taught us and the beauty that you carried that dimmed this world when you left it.
I love you,
your baby girl