A step closer to the fire

It was spring of 2005 and the construction of their new house was well on it's way and was set to be complete by mid-summer. Mom was busy trying to distract herself with plans of moving once again, but the circumstances of her inner world had started to crumble and she was finding it harder and harder to hang on. Her disease had become worse and her pain dictated not only her ability to do normal day to day tasks, but navigated her anxiety to the brink of being unbearable. I cannot begin to imagine what difficulty lay ahead of her every day. The simple tasks that so many of us take for granted could so easily defeat her before she even arose out of bed in the morning. Fear and insecurity consumed her, and yet she would defy those feelings and do her best to keep going. Of course with fear, insecurity and depression ruling a person's life, it does not always bring out the best in any of us and mom was no exception. She could be difficult to talk to and be around when she was having a particularly trying day. It was no help that her and daddy continued their toxic dance. With daddy working and me living near by, I had taken on the task of taking her to many of her doctor appointments and out to visit her parents. Some days we did great together and other days, I found it very hard to show her matronly respect. Being my mother, she knew best how to push my buttons and then add the general mother/daughter component that can sabotage any given situation and the stage was set for some serious challenges on my part. I did my best to side step the minefield that presented itself as she had increasingly bad days, but I did not always dodge the bullet. While I have few regrets in life, my mismanagement of these situations is definitely on the list. Looking back, I realize that in many ways, God was preparing me for the days ahead and refining me in the study of patience and showing grace. I had no idea how soon I would be walking straight into the fire. Though in my thirties, somehow I was still naive about how truly unyielding this world could be.