A starting point

I never intended to start blogging, and yet here I am. Maybe now that I am here, I can actually get back to journaling so to speak. Somehow, it stopped when I got married. I have been mulling over the last few years and the journey it has carried me on. Not an easy road, but I keep telling myself that I have built character eh? Maybe. Either way, I have been wanting to document it and while my origional intention was to do it privately, somehow I am here. If my journey can be of aid to anyone else out there , then let my experience bless you.

"Learn wisdom from the ways of a seedling. A seedling which is never hardened off through stressful situations will never become a strong productive plant." - Stephen Sigmond

In retrospect, it was when my parents moved to Ponder that my own pondering of life really started to take shape over the last few years.
They are both amazing people. My mother was a creative genius and so full of passion. She struggled through most of her life and yet despite her challenges, always ultimately knew her power lay within the grace of God. The strength with which she endured the path she took was evident of His Holy power. My father, he is more of an intellectual with I think, a tad of ADD, always looking for that next opportunity, never really settling where he was. His knowledge of the bible has always impressed me and in his work life, there has been much evidence of the application of biblical teachings in the lives of his students.
Together though, while their love was strong and passionate, ultimately, the only thing I could see of them together was toxicity. Some people just don't do well together and unfortunately overall, these two did not. No child wants to make that assessment of their parents, but without going into great detail, the foundation had been laid for many years.

Fast forward to 2005. By now mom had been diagnosed with a rare form of Rheumatoid arthritis. She was constantly fatigued and suffered with much pain. The things that had once given her great pleasure, her creative endeavors, had become more work than pleasure and even the simplest of tasks became an accomplishment of great endurance. Because she also suffered from anxiety this exasurbated her circumstances and left her feeling more alone and depressed than I think she had ever encountered. She was a determined woman and was never one to stop trying, but even in her great determination, I think she ultimately felt more defeated than victorious. Even the most determined spirits can eventually wear down in this sometimes weary world. While a warrior, she was no exception.
Daddy was in a place of wearing down himself. The ongoing disharmony between them and the added demands of taking over many of the household duties, once deemed mom's territory, was taking it's toll. Somewhere in the midst of moving from their dream home, leaving a job that was familiar and comfortable and her diagnosis, he had queitly suffered a small stroke. No outward evidence neccesarily, but in looking back, I think he lost on a subtle level, some of the tools that had enabled him to push through long hours and stressful situations as he had once done as a younger man. Outwardly he seemed to have it together, but on the inside, as I would later learn, he was slowly unraveling while trying desperately to hold it all together.
In light of mom's deteriorating health, they both decided that it was time to leave their "castle on a hill" in the country and head back to the city where doctors were closer and coveniences were easier to attain. I am still sure that this was never an easy decision. Of all the places my parents have lived over the years, Wind Dreamer was their vision, their creation together, and I think, a place where their most harmonious moments surfaced moreso than anywhere else. It was a spirtual place and a place to this day is still where I go in my head when I want to find peace. Funny that I never lived there and yet it is more home than any other place I've been in regards to my family.