When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton
This song has a very strong attachment for me. We played it at my mother's funeral and I have spent many drives in my car over the last almost 3 years now, listening to it when I felt like mama was too far away. It's so bittersweet and when I listen to it, it allows me to, for just a few brief minutes, to let my guard down. While my faith in God is strong, there are days when I am overwhelmed with what He has given me to do. And these words, this music, it speaks to my soul and gives me great joy and hope in knowing that one day, I will know no pain, nor sorrow and the tears will be wiped from my eyes. It makes me miss my mom, and yet it reminds me that I will see her again one day.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The loss of a friend
Fast forward to present time where I have spent many a day at my grandparents assisted living, oftentimes, having lunch with them and getting to know the other residents and their family members that frequent the place as much as I do .
About six months ago, the lunch table was graced with the smiling face of a new resident, George. We made friends immediately. He was always quick to give a smile and a kiss hello and had a way about him that always made one feel at ease. He was quick with a joke or a poke to make you laugh and was quite the camera man. He seemed to always be taking pictures and sharing his treasures with those around him and was generous in every other way. He certainly seemed to face some challenges, but that never slowed him down. When I was visiting recently, I ran into him in the lobby to find that my sweet guy was sporting a couple of shiners and a big bruise on his nose to match. Apparently, he had a rather nasty spill out of the bed, but that didn't phase him in the least because the night before that, he had gotten to go to a Mav's game and had a blast. He commented that the bruises didn't matter a bit because the rest of life was so good. He was excited that he had just recently mastered transferring from his power chair to the car and was equally excited that his son had brought the new puppy to visit the day before. He just always had a great outlook and good things to say. He loved his orange juice and was never afraid to ask for what he wanted. He knew all the employees by name and showed respect to each and every one of them. He was my buddy. I always looked forward to visiting him whenever I was there. I was very sad to learn tonight that my sweet friend has passed away.
He brought a ray of sunshine to the assisted living and he will be sorely missed. I am honored to say that, for a brief time, he was my friend. Goodbye sweet George.
About six months ago, the lunch table was graced with the smiling face of a new resident, George. We made friends immediately. He was always quick to give a smile and a kiss hello and had a way about him that always made one feel at ease. He was quick with a joke or a poke to make you laugh and was quite the camera man. He seemed to always be taking pictures and sharing his treasures with those around him and was generous in every other way. He certainly seemed to face some challenges, but that never slowed him down. When I was visiting recently, I ran into him in the lobby to find that my sweet guy was sporting a couple of shiners and a big bruise on his nose to match. Apparently, he had a rather nasty spill out of the bed, but that didn't phase him in the least because the night before that, he had gotten to go to a Mav's game and had a blast. He commented that the bruises didn't matter a bit because the rest of life was so good. He was excited that he had just recently mastered transferring from his power chair to the car and was equally excited that his son had brought the new puppy to visit the day before. He just always had a great outlook and good things to say. He loved his orange juice and was never afraid to ask for what he wanted. He knew all the employees by name and showed respect to each and every one of them. He was my buddy. I always looked forward to visiting him whenever I was there. I was very sad to learn tonight that my sweet friend has passed away.
He brought a ray of sunshine to the assisted living and he will be sorely missed. I am honored to say that, for a brief time, he was my friend. Goodbye sweet George.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The first day
As the morning turned to afternoon and mom settled down a little, I turned my attention to focusing on taking care of her immediate daily and financial needs. Despite having our hearts ripped out, the world around us continued to turn and there were things like groceries to buy and bills to pay, doctors appointments to reschedule and the like. Mom and I have always been two peas in a pod when it comes to finding control wherever we can , and in an odd comforting kind of way, this was at least a small grasp of not only control but also a distraction. Of course when we started to access the financial situation, it arose more panic and distress in mom, but we had no choice but to plow ahead and make the most of what we had at the moment. It was up to me to keep a clear head and comfort her as much as I could. I felt the Lord in my words and in my touch that day, guiding me down the path he intended me to follow. I prayed I was able to keep up.
Daddy had left us a list of the monthly bills so at least we had a place to start, but it was far from easy to make heads or tails of what he had left us. The checkbook was a disaster and had not been reconciled in at least 6 months, if not longer. We didn't even know how much money was really in the account. He had taken his laptop computer and to make things even more challenging, she had never touched the internet, so things would have to be done more old school until I could get things up to speed on my system at home. I started with a phone call to the automated bank line to get a balance in the checking and savings accounts and spent a good portion of the rest of the afternoon just getting some semblance of order in the check register and figuring out what bills needed to go out and when. Had we the ability to harness the emotional energy that encompassed the house that afternoon, we could have run the AC for at least a Texas summer and kept things running very cool. We were both exhausted and she was in a great deal of physical pain and we decided we had done all we could do. I made sure she had a little to eat and a fresh klenex supply and left her for her first evening alone in a house she couldn't even really call home. I am sure after I left she continued to try and call daddy, leaving message after message, begging him to come back, but those pleas would fall on deaf ears. He had no intention of coming back and I knew it. My heart broke for her, it broke for me.
I had done all I could do that day and all I wanted to do was to run home into the arms of my husband and have him hold me and help me forget for just a little while. I am forever grateful that he did exactly that, he held me and took care of me, listened to me with full attention and even tried to make me laugh; all the while letting me cry, letting me process the events of the day and standing solid beside me as the storm began ....all my mother had ever wanted from my father.
Daddy had left us a list of the monthly bills so at least we had a place to start, but it was far from easy to make heads or tails of what he had left us. The checkbook was a disaster and had not been reconciled in at least 6 months, if not longer. We didn't even know how much money was really in the account. He had taken his laptop computer and to make things even more challenging, she had never touched the internet, so things would have to be done more old school until I could get things up to speed on my system at home. I started with a phone call to the automated bank line to get a balance in the checking and savings accounts and spent a good portion of the rest of the afternoon just getting some semblance of order in the check register and figuring out what bills needed to go out and when. Had we the ability to harness the emotional energy that encompassed the house that afternoon, we could have run the AC for at least a Texas summer and kept things running very cool. We were both exhausted and she was in a great deal of physical pain and we decided we had done all we could do. I made sure she had a little to eat and a fresh klenex supply and left her for her first evening alone in a house she couldn't even really call home. I am sure after I left she continued to try and call daddy, leaving message after message, begging him to come back, but those pleas would fall on deaf ears. He had no intention of coming back and I knew it. My heart broke for her, it broke for me.
I had done all I could do that day and all I wanted to do was to run home into the arms of my husband and have him hold me and help me forget for just a little while. I am forever grateful that he did exactly that, he held me and took care of me, listened to me with full attention and even tried to make me laugh; all the while letting me cry, letting me process the events of the day and standing solid beside me as the storm began ....all my mother had ever wanted from my father.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What's in a name?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a brief fast forward to present time. Join us now as we step inside the brains of our present day blogger in mid thought....
So I was taking a shower, trying to take off the chill and wind down from a long day and my thoughts were bouncing all over the place as the decompression began to take hold. As they do many nights during the decompression period, my thoughts drifted to my grandparents. Sometimes I am still mentally checking off the " to do list" for things that need to be taken care of, other times I am feeling sorry for them, but tonight, as many nights, I just contemplated who they are and what their lives have been. Being their caretaker the last several years, I have have had the distinct opportunity to get to know both of them on an entirely different level than any of the other grandchildren. That's not to say their relationships are not unique nor any less significant, rather that, as a caretaker, I have had to step out of the grandchild role and into the shoes of a parental role with both of them as time has progressed.
I have become particularly endeared to my grandfather since this change in relationship has taken place, more so than when I was just playing the role of granddaughter. I began to know him more as a person and not just as my papaw.
Be it by grace, genetics or both, I've discovered that my good nature and optimism come from him. In the time that I have taken care of him, he has faced some enormous changes and tragedies and yet never let life take him down too far. No matter the circumstances he's faced, he has always leaned back on his faith and plugged forward with the intent that God knew what He was doing. He has always made a point of showing gratitude and is cognisant of the time and energy that I spend helping both of them. He has been the single most stable and influencing male role model throughout my life.
As our relationship has grown and changed, and in the absence of my mother, he has crowned me with a bittersweet treasure that I hold so very close to my heart. As long as I can remember, his pet name for mom has always been "sug" ( pronounced shug). In the last year, somehow, I have adopted this name from him and it still makes my heart skip a beat whenever he addresses me as "sug." It instaneously makes me feel so special and cherished and yet it evokes a pang of deep longing for the one that brought me into this world . I consider it a great honor that he has chosen to pass along such an exceptionally personal term of endearment to me.
May we always stop and enjoy the small moments in life that make it so sweet.
So I was taking a shower, trying to take off the chill and wind down from a long day and my thoughts were bouncing all over the place as the decompression began to take hold. As they do many nights during the decompression period, my thoughts drifted to my grandparents. Sometimes I am still mentally checking off the " to do list" for things that need to be taken care of, other times I am feeling sorry for them, but tonight, as many nights, I just contemplated who they are and what their lives have been. Being their caretaker the last several years, I have have had the distinct opportunity to get to know both of them on an entirely different level than any of the other grandchildren. That's not to say their relationships are not unique nor any less significant, rather that, as a caretaker, I have had to step out of the grandchild role and into the shoes of a parental role with both of them as time has progressed.
I have become particularly endeared to my grandfather since this change in relationship has taken place, more so than when I was just playing the role of granddaughter. I began to know him more as a person and not just as my papaw.
Be it by grace, genetics or both, I've discovered that my good nature and optimism come from him. In the time that I have taken care of him, he has faced some enormous changes and tragedies and yet never let life take him down too far. No matter the circumstances he's faced, he has always leaned back on his faith and plugged forward with the intent that God knew what He was doing. He has always made a point of showing gratitude and is cognisant of the time and energy that I spend helping both of them. He has been the single most stable and influencing male role model throughout my life.
As our relationship has grown and changed, and in the absence of my mother, he has crowned me with a bittersweet treasure that I hold so very close to my heart. As long as I can remember, his pet name for mom has always been "sug" ( pronounced shug). In the last year, somehow, I have adopted this name from him and it still makes my heart skip a beat whenever he addresses me as "sug." It instaneously makes me feel so special and cherished and yet it evokes a pang of deep longing for the one that brought me into this world . I consider it a great honor that he has chosen to pass along such an exceptionally personal term of endearment to me.
May we always stop and enjoy the small moments in life that make it so sweet.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The resignation
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you Lord." Psalms 56:3
It was late August, barely a month after my parents had moved into their new home when I received a call that would alter all that I had known of life before. It was early morning and I was preparing for my day when the phone rang. It was my mother, hardly understandable and sobbing. Daddy had left in the middle of the night, leaving a note indicating he was gone for good and had no plans of being found. I felt a lump rise in my throat as my heart simultaneously broke.
I do not have much recollection of how I got to my mother, but I arrived at her house within the hour of the call. She was inconsolable and it was the first time in my life I had felt so helpless. My heart was breaking because when he left her, not to be found, he left all of us. I had to put my own feelings of hurt aside and be her strength and encourager, to somehow remind both of us that God was still in control. I remember so vividly sitting on the couch next to her, holding her hand in those first few hours, trying to help her make sense of it all. I knew their already toxic relationship had become increasingly hostile, and even had some warning signs from daddy, but I never ever thought he would just leave everything.
He had left a list of bills to pay and when, how much money he left her...all of the business of the home that he had taken over years before . His boss called a few hours later, equally perplexed that daddy had left a letter of resignation on his desk in the early hours of the morning mere days before the start of school.
There were hardly any of his personal items gone from either home or work. Some clothes, a few of his guns and camping equipment were gone, but that was all. There was no answer on his cell phone, and mom called many times. Eventually, later that day, he apparently just turned it off.
In the midst of the day as events began to sink in, it became clear why daddy had built their house around the corner from my brother, he had been planning this for some time. It was the only logical conclusion, and realizing that made the sting of heartache even deeper.
It was late August, barely a month after my parents had moved into their new home when I received a call that would alter all that I had known of life before. It was early morning and I was preparing for my day when the phone rang. It was my mother, hardly understandable and sobbing. Daddy had left in the middle of the night, leaving a note indicating he was gone for good and had no plans of being found. I felt a lump rise in my throat as my heart simultaneously broke.
I do not have much recollection of how I got to my mother, but I arrived at her house within the hour of the call. She was inconsolable and it was the first time in my life I had felt so helpless. My heart was breaking because when he left her, not to be found, he left all of us. I had to put my own feelings of hurt aside and be her strength and encourager, to somehow remind both of us that God was still in control. I remember so vividly sitting on the couch next to her, holding her hand in those first few hours, trying to help her make sense of it all. I knew their already toxic relationship had become increasingly hostile, and even had some warning signs from daddy, but I never ever thought he would just leave everything.
He had left a list of bills to pay and when, how much money he left her...all of the business of the home that he had taken over years before . His boss called a few hours later, equally perplexed that daddy had left a letter of resignation on his desk in the early hours of the morning mere days before the start of school.
There were hardly any of his personal items gone from either home or work. Some clothes, a few of his guns and camping equipment were gone, but that was all. There was no answer on his cell phone, and mom called many times. Eventually, later that day, he apparently just turned it off.
In the midst of the day as events began to sink in, it became clear why daddy had built their house around the corner from my brother, he had been planning this for some time. It was the only logical conclusion, and realizing that made the sting of heartache even deeper.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sweet moments
Spring drifted into summer and at last the house was built and mom and daddy were set to move in. There was much to be done as they not only had to pack up their apartment but also would be moving everything they had in storage. Mom had notebook after notebook with notes for how each room was to be laid out so that there was a home for each and every treasure that she had collected. In spite of her debilitating disease, she always held onto surrounding herself with beauty in any way she could. She had quite the gift for arranging much into a small space and making it feel as though each piece belonged exactly where it was. It was a long, arduous process for her but gave her comfort and a sense of accomplishment.
I remember spending many days at the house in the first several weeks, helping her unpack and organize. One day in particular we were working in the kitchen and had finally found the box with all of the pieces that went into the china cabinet. Oh how I wished I had taken the time to write things down from that day. As we unpacked each piece, mama would share with me it's history and how it came to be a part of the coveted collection that sat in the china cabinet. I remember that day fondly. I learned more about our family history, we enjoyed great conversation and we laughed. It was a day that I cherish and will always hold onto with gratitude.
I remember spending many days at the house in the first several weeks, helping her unpack and organize. One day in particular we were working in the kitchen and had finally found the box with all of the pieces that went into the china cabinet. Oh how I wished I had taken the time to write things down from that day. As we unpacked each piece, mama would share with me it's history and how it came to be a part of the coveted collection that sat in the china cabinet. I remember that day fondly. I learned more about our family history, we enjoyed great conversation and we laughed. It was a day that I cherish and will always hold onto with gratitude.
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