A perfect capture

Of how I think we all feel some days!


A dear friend of mine taught me to keep in mind that even on the roughest days....
"Well Praise the Lord anyways!" ~LaNelle
and of course...
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

The Devil is in the Details

"Don't be impatient. Wait for the Lord, and He will come and save you! Be, brave, stouthearted and courageous. Yes, wait and He will help you." Psalms 27:14

I am not a big fan of waiting...and yet, God calls me to wait. And brave? Stouthearted means the same thing as brave, so we are basically instructed to be brave, brave and well, brave.

One of my devotionals this week read:" Come to me in all of your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual. When anxiety attempts to wedge it's way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to my will...the safest place to be is in My will. " (from the book Jesus Calling)
Since the new year has started, I have felt the refining fires burning hot around me and as of late have actually felt as I might just burst into flames. I am thankful that God has made His pursuit of me and reminders of His presence frequent and persistent. Some days it has felt like an epic battle just to get from moment to moment.
You see, besides going through a major surgery with the love of my life and taking care of him in his recovery, after twenty years, I left a habit behind that I have struggled to quit on and off for at least ten years now. Surprisingly, while there are moments when I have cravings, they are manageable. The kicker in the mix is that ironically, when I quit smoking, the rest of my body went haywire. At first, I thought it was nicotine withdrawal, but never remembered having that problem for more than a day or two in the past when I have quit (it takes a few times for many of us reformed smokers to get it right). It's taken me a month to figure out that I am not going crazy, but my hormones are and boy if there is a symptom, I have it. The worst is the anxiety. My mother suffered from anxiety disorder and while I did not inherit it, just the environment I grew up in left some marks. Fortunately, at a young age I learned how to handle anxious moments with cognitive behavioral skills and for the most part have navigated through my adult life utilizing those skills to get me through the rough patches. Prayer has always been a big element as well. However, I can't ever remember feeling this anxious all of the time, from when I wake and even in sleep some nights.
I honestly have to say, I am not sure how my mother made it as far as she did. It is a terrible feeling when you want to crawl out of your skin most of the time and in my case, depression is not far behind. I have not felt this disconnected with myself since I was in my early twenties. It's very disconcerting, but my logical mind knows this is only a season, but my now, moody side is screaming to be done already. But God says "wait." I listened to a sermon recently where the pastor pointed out how God says He will walk through the fire with you, not run, mind you,but walk. Any way we can walk faster Lord? Maybe take it up to a slow jog? Promise you won't let me burst into flames?
And the devil is in the details...he has been certain to take advantage of every weak moment he can and there have been alot of those. Just to add to the refining process, while going through this "adjustment" the routines that I have relied on at home to help me unwind and relax have also, for the most part been removed or changed and don't think the devil is having a field day with all of this.
By grace and God's ever persistent love and patience, I know this season will pass and I am, as my mama taught me, working like it's up to me and praying like it's up to God.
And for anyone who might stumble upon my ramblings of my struggle with leaving behind a bad habit, if you too are trying to slay your dragon, remember, you can do this and it will get better. One foot in front of the other, one breathe at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time. "Yes, wait and He will help you."

In Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

My weakness feels more than I can handle some days as of late. Grateful for such a promise. Can't say I really feel like boasting about how flawed, hopeless and exhausted I feel on days such as today, but know despite how I might feel, God is ever present and His is grace is always enough.
Thank you Jesus for walking beside me and holding me up when weary knocks on my soul and I feel it to my bones. Thank you for my weakness so that your strength may shine forth.

Trusting and holding Him near

It has been a season of trial for my husband and I with his health. For almost two years he has struggled with debilitating back pain and for almost two years we have tried everything short of surgery to find healing. It's been a season where I have embraced getting on my knees more than any other time in my life. To sit and watch helplessly as your soul mate deals with pain day in and day out is a difficult road. To be him, even more difficult. And yet, since the pain started, he has carried himself with such grace to be in so much pain. I admire him for that. I don't know if I could have done the same.
We now prepare for surgery in great hopes that his pain will finally be abated. In our preparation, we also are facing a demon we have both fought for many years now, an unhealthy addiction that we have battled unsuccessfully. We have no choice now if the recovery from the surgery is to be successful. I have spent many years praying over our addiction with good intentions to find a way to overcome and yet, in my own battle, I have continued to fail. In God's great plan, maybe He knew it would take a catalyst such as where we are now, to finally succeed.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed, not having my crutch so close to such an unknown and scary time. I feel overwhelmed trying to be the encourager and support that my husband needs. I feel overwhelmed in the last minute preparations. I feel overwhelmed in the face of losing my husband should something go terribly wrong.
I feel overwhelmed.
A friend of mine gave me a book of daily devotionals for Christmas this year. The timing could not have been better, as I feel it has been a way for God to comfort me in my constant sense of being overwhelmed. One step at a time, one minute at a time..
From the book "Jesus Calling"
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safe you are. Circumstances around your are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the one who will never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me." Phillipians 4:7;Matthew 14:30; Hebrews 12:2

Heavenly Reminders

I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth

oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life

- Kutless

The Best Investments

One of the traditions that has been born out of our move to our new house last year has been seasonal gatherings with family and friends. God has blessed us so richly with an amazing home that has ample space and a backyard that beckons all to enjoy. Whether it be on a quiet morning with a cup of tea and my bible or on a Sunday afternoon with a lively houseful with the squeals of excitement from children and the chatter of relaxed adults, it makes my heart so very joyful. I've found myself already planning the menu for the next event mere days after entertaining those that I love and carving out projects that will be valuable to our next gathering. There are days of preparation before each event and while some of those days are long and tiring, the payoff leaves many treasures in my heart that make life in this temporary home so worth the investment. I am rich beyond measure and am especially reminded of that wealth on those days when I am enveloped with the company of those that God has placed in my life. I try to savor each sweet moment, each conversation, and the interactions I watch between those I have brought together through these events. I am in awe of the graciousness of God in blessing me with so many beautiful children that have touched my heart in ways I could have never imagined and how much they can teach me through their innocent and curious and sometimes brutally honest ways. I love that they love coming to my house and that as well as them putting treasures in my memory chest, I have the opportunity to to the same for them. God never ceases to amaze me with the blessing in my life, the love, the relationships, the opportunities to let His love shine through me, and through the home the love of my life and I have been graced with. A home where we always want to have an open door, a good meal, and provision for any and all He calls us to embrace.
It was a wonderful day yesterday, my only regret being that it went too fast. As the last car drove away and all that was left were the remnants of half empty cups, mostly empty plates of food, and pool toys scattered about, I started to clean up. As I rounded the corner to take out the trash, there on the dry erase board that we keep in the hall, I was reminded all the more how important and precious my investment in those that I love is, the best investment ever!

In the Moment

In the moments of the twilight
I bask beneath the sky
wrapped in winds of warmth
and serenaded by the creatures of the night.
My heart swells with thanksgiving
as I sit and ponder all that He has given me
In life and love.
I am wealthy beyond all measure
simply by His grace
And yet He blesses me even more
with those He has placed in my life.