Trusting and holding Him near

It has been a season of trial for my husband and I with his health. For almost two years he has struggled with debilitating back pain and for almost two years we have tried everything short of surgery to find healing. It's been a season where I have embraced getting on my knees more than any other time in my life. To sit and watch helplessly as your soul mate deals with pain day in and day out is a difficult road. To be him, even more difficult. And yet, since the pain started, he has carried himself with such grace to be in so much pain. I admire him for that. I don't know if I could have done the same.
We now prepare for surgery in great hopes that his pain will finally be abated. In our preparation, we also are facing a demon we have both fought for many years now, an unhealthy addiction that we have battled unsuccessfully. We have no choice now if the recovery from the surgery is to be successful. I have spent many years praying over our addiction with good intentions to find a way to overcome and yet, in my own battle, I have continued to fail. In God's great plan, maybe He knew it would take a catalyst such as where we are now, to finally succeed.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed, not having my crutch so close to such an unknown and scary time. I feel overwhelmed trying to be the encourager and support that my husband needs. I feel overwhelmed in the last minute preparations. I feel overwhelmed in the face of losing my husband should something go terribly wrong.
I feel overwhelmed.
A friend of mine gave me a book of daily devotionals for Christmas this year. The timing could not have been better, as I feel it has been a way for God to comfort me in my constant sense of being overwhelmed. One step at a time, one minute at a time..
From the book "Jesus Calling"
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safe you are. Circumstances around your are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the one who will never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me." Phillipians 4:7;Matthew 14:30; Hebrews 12:2

Heavenly Reminders

I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth

oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life

- Kutless

The Best Investments

One of the traditions that has been born out of our move to our new house last year has been seasonal gatherings with family and friends. God has blessed us so richly with an amazing home that has ample space and a backyard that beckons all to enjoy. Whether it be on a quiet morning with a cup of tea and my bible or on a Sunday afternoon with a lively houseful with the squeals of excitement from children and the chatter of relaxed adults, it makes my heart so very joyful. I've found myself already planning the menu for the next event mere days after entertaining those that I love and carving out projects that will be valuable to our next gathering. There are days of preparation before each event and while some of those days are long and tiring, the payoff leaves many treasures in my heart that make life in this temporary home so worth the investment. I am rich beyond measure and am especially reminded of that wealth on those days when I am enveloped with the company of those that God has placed in my life. I try to savor each sweet moment, each conversation, and the interactions I watch between those I have brought together through these events. I am in awe of the graciousness of God in blessing me with so many beautiful children that have touched my heart in ways I could have never imagined and how much they can teach me through their innocent and curious and sometimes brutally honest ways. I love that they love coming to my house and that as well as them putting treasures in my memory chest, I have the opportunity to to the same for them. God never ceases to amaze me with the blessing in my life, the love, the relationships, the opportunities to let His love shine through me, and through the home the love of my life and I have been graced with. A home where we always want to have an open door, a good meal, and provision for any and all He calls us to embrace.
It was a wonderful day yesterday, my only regret being that it went too fast. As the last car drove away and all that was left were the remnants of half empty cups, mostly empty plates of food, and pool toys scattered about, I started to clean up. As I rounded the corner to take out the trash, there on the dry erase board that we keep in the hall, I was reminded all the more how important and precious my investment in those that I love is, the best investment ever!

In the Moment

In the moments of the twilight
I bask beneath the sky
wrapped in winds of warmth
and serenaded by the creatures of the night.
My heart swells with thanksgiving
as I sit and ponder all that He has given me
In life and love.
I am wealthy beyond all measure
simply by His grace
And yet He blesses me even more
with those He has placed in my life.

Sunrise

"A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. ..."

Psalm 121:1-8

On the Journey

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Eat Pray Love

May God keep me brave and may I never stop seeking the great truths He has to teach me in this life. May my eyes always be wide open and my heart receptive to those teachers He places in my life.

Beauty and Healing

It's been four years since my mother passed away and it has been since Christmas of that year that I have seen my father. It's a been a complicated relationship, but despite that, he's my dad and the bible teaches us to honor our parents.
In the past year, I have worked on making more of an effort to call daddy more regularly and follow God's lead on letting go of previous hurts. I had been praying about going to visit my dad, but had not felt God was telling me it was time. Then dad decided to have back surgery, which
turned up the need for open heart surgery! I prayed about going up for the surgery and still didn't feel the Holy Spirit moving. As hard as it was, I waited. It was difficult to be thousands of miles away when I knew what a serious surgery this was going to be, and then when I learned his wife had no one to wait with her, I really wanted to go, but my heart still said "wait." It was during the surgery while his wife and I were texting back and forth that God finally said "now you can go." I wanted to be sure, so I prayed God would speak through my husband and when we discussed it, he was not only supportive, but already had it in his mind that I needed to go. I so love that about my husband, his kindness and desire to help others and the importance of family.
So, the day my dad was released from the hospital, I got on a plane and flew to New York to help him with his recovery.
It proved to be a time of serving, healing and reconnection. Through my experiences of taking care of my grandparents, I've come to learn and respect the need for dignity when you are faced with caring for one who has lost the ability to do for themselves in their normal manner and this was no exception. I was grateful for the insight and truly felt it not only helped me to help daddy but to reinforce and bring to light the lessons God had been teaching me about being a humble servant. Now, that didn't stop me from being the hen that I can be ( grin), Daddy proudly referred to me as his 800lb gorilla who kept him in line. I have to give credit to my husband, who has taught me over the years how important laughter is and that keeping things light can make a difficult situation much more tolerable. This was a tool that I relied on to be helpful in a non confrontational way and it too served me well.
It was a week full of purpose and hard work and in some senses, new beginnings.
It was a bonus blessing that Daddy's and his wife's house was surrounded by the beauty of the landscape and I very much enjoyed the distractions of the views and life that teamed about.

This was the first thing I was greeted with in the morning as I awoke.


And this was the view outside the sun room, where daddy and I spent much time chatting and watching the activity outside of birds, squirrels, chipmunks and deer.